12.23.12: Grandmother

I just wanted to get a quick post up in honor of my grandmother:

80 is a big number. 80 years is a long time. Today, my grandmother turned 80. My grandmother is a very smart woman. She taught my mother a lot of things. My mother then taught them to me. I have my grandmother to thank for who I am. I got my love of writing from her. I got my common sense from her. My grandmother pulled me through the tough times and everything in between. 

12.21.12: Dylan

One of my best friends that I've known literally since I was born asked me to write a little story about him and include five specific things of his choosing into the story. Try and see if you can figure out the five things:

We didn’t have a choice when it came to our friendship. We were forced together by our mothers who had become fast best friends in college. He was six months older than I was and to this day, he doesn’t let me forget it. He never talks down to me, though. He’s mature like that. He was big into sports. His favorite was baseball and he even played for a little while in college. He tried to teach me once. I hated it. I told him that it was too boring for me. All he did was laugh and ruffle my hair.

Now we’re 19 and 20 and he’s still trying to teach me things. Sometimes I listen…and sometimes I don’t. I know that it’s probably in my best interest to take his advice (he has been on this Earth longer, after all…by six months…) but sometimes I just forget. His latest lesson was nutrition. He was in college to learn and teach people how to properly eat and be in the best shape possible. I forget the word for it. It wasn’t a dietician. Not a neutralist. Uhm…I’ll think of it later. Anyway, he was trying to prepare me for my upcoming college lacrosse season. A sports nutritionist! That’s what he was. Anyway, his favorite thing to do was move cars. Yeah, you heard me right. I asked him if he could teach me to move cars, too. He said no. I probably should’ve listened to him beforehand I guess. Lifting was kind of his thing and I kind of wanted to follow in his footsteps. He was inspirational like that. He said that he needed to teach me technique first. So he did. And I listened this time. I still haven’t moved a car yet, though.

He taught me a lot. But I taught him some, too. My best lesson to date was girls. He needed some help. He’d also kill me for telling you that. He was pretty smooth on his own but I made him smoother than ice that had just had the zammbonie go over it.

We helped each other out a lot without realizing it, I think. I turned to him in my time of need and he turned to me in his. We might not be related by blood, but we were related in every other sense of the word. I knew at the end of the day that he had my back and he knew that I had his. 

12.14.12: TO.D.

Today America suffered a tragedy that didn't just affect the people directly involved, but everyone around the world. This incident is something that no one ever thought that they would have to deal with. There are now 27 dead in Connecticut with three left in the hospital. A mass stabbing in China left 22 dead. Our world isn't going to end because of a meteor shower or an explosion. Our world is going to end because virtually all of humanity is being lost. It is such a sad thought to think that our ultimate undoing will be thanks to our own self-destruction. I have everyone in my thoughts and prayers today.
My father taught me to be brave. My mother taught me to be smart. My brother taught me to laugh. My sister taught me how to play dress up/ My family taught me how to love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eThpyx8ouOc

12.12.12: T.O.D.

Have you ever been scared that you'll never amount to anything? Or that everything that you work for today, tomorrow, and each and every day won't ultimately get you anywhere or ultimately where you truly want to be?
Since it's finals week, here's a little motivation to get you all to where you ultimately, truly want to be. I wish you all the best of luck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtgoDXEOxTM

12.12.12.: T.O.D.

*I'd like to thank Gossip Girl for the inspiration for this post:
When you're so scared of your heart getting broken but you surrender that power which could so easily fully break you to someone anyway, that's when you're truly in love.

12.11.12: T.O.D.

Sometimes we feel so strongly about something that we subconsciously push our opinions onto others without realizing the effects we're imposing and without taking into account what the other is thinking, feeling, and responding.

12.10.12: Six Going on Twenty

“Did you really love him?” I shook my head. He pushed on. “You were together for a year, though.”

“I know.”

“That was your longest relationship.” I heaved a sigh, stopped typing my term paper, and shifted my eyes from my laptop to his face.

“I know.”

“Why not? Why didn’t you love him?”

“I tricked myself into it.” I watched the confusion cross his face.

“What do you mean?” I looked at Max for a second longer before I moved my laptop from my lap to the table. I patted my knee, inviting him to sit. I can’t believe I was about to explain my love life to a six-year-old.

“What would you like to know, Max?”

“Everything.” This wasn’t going to be a short conversation. I ruffled his hair.

“That, my dear, will take quite a long time. Why don’t you start with one question and we can go from there?” He put his finger to his lips and thought for a moment before nodding his head.

“Okay, deal. What was he like?” More like what wasn’t he like?

“He was a lot of things, Max. He was funny and he was nice when he wanted to be. He had a lot of friends. I guess you could call him popular if you wanted. He was athletic but not the best student. But do you want to know what he was the most?” Max nodded feverishly. “Not good for me.” A frown played at the corners of Max’s lips.

“I don’t get it, Kay.” I smiled at him.

“Well that’s because you’re six and you haven’t had to deal with any of this yet, kiddo. But what I mean is that we had nothing in common. Us together didn’t really make any sense. We looked cute together…”

“I know. I’ve seen pictures.”

“…But there was always something missing with him. It was never enough. He didn’t prove to me that he truly wanted to be with me. There wasn’t a lot of effort put in. It’s the little things, kiddo. Remember that, okay? And you’ve known me for a long time now, Max. Can’t you tell how much happier I am?”

“Yes, yes I can. You look a lot prettier when you smile all the time.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“Well, thank you! And you want to know something? You look a cuter when you’re in bed instead of asking me about my ex-boyfriend.” I tapped my finger on his nose. He laughed and swatted at my hand.

“But I’m not done asking, Kayleigh. You didn’t tell me about the tricking thing.” Ah, what an intuitive six-year-old he was.

“Right. I tricked myself…Have you ever had a food that you really liked because someone told you that it was good for you?” Max thought about it for a second.

“Yes. Carrots. My mom tells me all the time that they help me see better but I only like them when she doesn’t cook them. I have to eat them crunchy.”

“Okay. Right. That’s how it was for my ex-boyfriend and me. I liked to think that he was good for me but when I really thought about it, I realized that I only liked him when I could have him the way that I wanted.”

            “So why did it take a year?”

            “Because I thought that I did love him. And it’s not easy losing someone that’s been in your life for a long time.”

            “I’d be sad if I lost you, Kay.”

            “I’d be sad if I lost you too, Max.”

            “So what made you realize that you didn’t love him?”

            “What makes you ask that?” He buried his face between my arm and chest. “Max? C’mon. You can tell me.” Between muffled tones coming through my shirt I could just barely make out: “because I think I’m in love.” I laughed and he peeked up at me.

            “What’s so funny?”

            “Max, you’re six. It’s okay to think that you’re in love but you have your entire life to think that and actually see it come true. May I ask who the girl is?” A little blush played on his cheeks.

            “Her name is Samantha,” he mumbled. “She’s really pretty.”

            “I bet she is. Maybe I’ll get to meet her one day.”

            “Maybe. But can you answer my question?”

            “And which question would that be?”

            “How did you know that you didn’t love him?” I stayed quiet for a moment not wanting to say it out loud. “C’mon. I told you.” He was right. Now I had to tell him.

            “Because I fell in love with someone else. Now I know what love is. I didn’t know what it was back then because I wasn’t experiencing it. Now I am.” Max cocked his head to the side and studied my face.

            “Maybe I’ll get to meet him one day.” I laughed and ruffled his hair.

            “One day, kiddo,” I promised. “Now go get ready for bed before your mom gets home.” He kissed my cheek, hopped down from my lap, and scampered towards the stairs. I watched him go, realizing that a six-year-old just helped me figure out the last year and a half of my life. I smiled to myself and got up to follow Max up the stairs. 

12.10.12: T.O.D.

I'm either creatively stupid or much too smart for my own good. It's perspective.

12.8.12: T.O.D

1. I don't think that im capable of love. I crave it and it's all that I want in life but I feel as if I find some way to mess it up each time.
2. My favorite song is the one with the lyrics that can speak my mind for me when I don't know how to convey my thoughts and feelings.

12.7.12: T.O.D.

The best warmth is not the warmth that you feel outside of your body and then absorb but instead the warmth that is already inside your body from your heart. It feels like drinking a cup of hot chocolate and feeling the liquid slide smoothly down your throat and having the warmth radiate throughout your body.

12.6.12: Three Lies and No Truth

*not based on real life

            One of our hearts was going to end up broken. I wasn’t sure whose it would be or when it would happen but I did know that it would all come tumbling down and there’d be nothing that I could do about it. The realization hit me with a force so real that my breath was taken from my lungs. I bit my lip to try and keep the tears back. A shiver shot through my body.

            “Hey, hey, it’s alright. Are you cold?” He moved the blanket further up the bed and rubbed my right arm. I turned on my side and brought the blanket up to my face.

            “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry.” Lie.

            “Are you sure?”

            “Of course. I’m with you. I’m fine.” Lie.

            “Okay. Just let me know.”

            “I will.” Lie. He kissed my forehead and turned back to sleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I turned back toward him and rested my head on his chest. I listened to his steady heartbeat: thump, thump. Thump, thump. I drew circles on his chest until I heard his heavy breathing. I looked up at him then, trying to memorize his face. I kissed his cheek and crawled out of bed making sure not to wake him. I tiptoed out into the living room where I was greeted by four of his roommates. We exchanged high fives and fist pounds before we all settled in for Sunday night football. Within minutes of the game and for no particular reason at all, we were laughing so hard that our faces hurt. When I could catch my breath again, I looked around the room. I’d miss all of this…but as it turns out, I fell in love with someone I could never have.

12.2.12: T.O.D.

Perfection.

Interpret that as you wish.

11.28.12: What a Sinister First Semester...

*I wrote this a couple of days ago but I haven't had to chance to post it because (1) I thought that I'd end up writing a lot more and (2) I have actually, without a doubt, been drowning in my work...I hate, with all of my being, the last couple of weeks of the semester when finals start to roll around. But if any of you are curious, here's how my first semester is wrapping up:

The amount of coffee that was in my body right now was not okay…I could practically feel the caffeine swimming through my veins but at least that meant that I knew that the coffee was working. My professor was talking about something along the lines of grammar and I almost missed her question: “and, at, in…What are those?” I rolled my eyes. Prepositions, people…they are freaking preposition. C’mon.

            “What are those, class?” I rolled my eyes again and heaved an exhausted sigh. Jesus, I was surrounded by idiots.

            “Prepositions…” I breathed. Unfortunately, my teacher heard me. She turned to me with a “thank-you-for-knowing-something” look. Well, I guess that I’m happy to oblique, teacher-lady.

            “Thank you, Miss Hawthorne. Would you mind telling the class what the answer is?” Really? Was she kidding? She was looking at me so hopefully…how could I say no? Fine. I turned in my chair to find 26 half-bored, half-annoyed eyes starring back at me. It’s not like I asked for the attention, people. I tried to mimic their expressions of annoyance and boredom. I blew the non-existent bangs out of my eyes.

            “They’re prepositions.”

            It’s been one hell of a day already. I beat my alarm this morning by an hour and a half. Who does that? Not to mention that I was only running on about four hours of sleep. I tried to go back to bed but to no avail. I had to print all of my papers out at the library anyway. So instead of cuddling back into my blankets, I hauled myself down my bunk bed ladder and dragged my butt to my bathroom. The reflection starring back at me wasn’t one that I recognized. This girl had bags under her eyes and sadness radiated throughout her face like a disease. That wasn’t me. I wrinkled my nose my nose at the reflection. I turned the sink on and started to wash my face. I was concerned. Where was my smile? And then I remembered all the work that I had to do...and the fact that none of it was getting done.

            I felt worn down and mentally exhausted. It was only Wednesday. And Thanksgiving was last week. I shouldn’t be so…what’s the word I was even looking for…unmotivated? I was just always tired. I stared at my agenda and tried to focus on one thing that I could actually accomplish. I kept staring. Five more minutes went by. Nothing was registering. I laid my head on my desk and tried not to cry. Why was I so overwhelmed? All I wanted was my 4.0 so I could move on with my life.

            My phone rang and I rotated my head to try and locate my phone. I checked the caller ID and groaned. It was my brother. I reached my hand out and slid the button to unlock my phone.

            “What?”

            “Well hello to you, too. Whatcha doin right now?” I took a minute to answer because I was trying to find an answer that didn’t sound idiotic…but I really couldn’t find one.

            “Uhm…I’m basically falling asleep on my desk. Why?” I couldn’t feel my body.

            “No reason. Just calling to let you know I got a 100 on my AP chemistry test.” Oh, that’s all?

            “Wow. Good for you. I’m so proud of you, kiddo. Good job.” And there he went again kicking my butt at school. Sorry that I sounded so enthusiastic about it…not. “Why do you sound so depressed?” Well at least he didn’t sugarcoat it.

            “I have a group project, five papers, a book to read, a module exercise, about 15 power points to print, and two Saturday classes to do this week. Do the math.” There was silence on the other end for a minute.

            “So…I’ll just talk to you later then, okay?” I didn’t even have it in me to say goodbye before I hung up my phone.

11.23.12: T.O.D.

Lately I've realized that a lot of girls accept less than what they deserve...Don't. Don't you dare, for one single second, settle for anything less. Know your worth and don't let anyone take it from you. Keep your head and your standards high. Do not, under any circumstance, put up with bad behavior from anyone. You deserve to be treated like the princess you are. And don't forget to speak your mind no matter what you fear will be the cost because that, my dears, is how you will figure out who is really on your side.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBpfpvicESU

11.21.12: Reuniting Goodbyes

As my tires made the transition from concrete to gravel, I felt my body relax. I let out the breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding in. To my right was the first horse pasture. That was JJ’s old pasture. I smiled to myself thinking back to that big, black, old sweetheart of a horse. To my left were the woods. As my car crept further up the drive, the gravel road opened up to reveal more horse pastures to left, the outdoor ring up a little hill to my right, and both the indoor ring and the two lower barns straight ahead of me. Welly nodded his head at my car and whinnied. I laughed at him and waved at the playful dapple-grey. He drove his hoof into the soft earth underneath him and bounced his big head up and down a couple times. It was as if he were saying, “yes, let’s go. Can we go?” He wanted to race. I shook my head at him. Not today, Welly. I drove up the hill and put my car in park. I looked around. Well, it didn’t look like this three years ago.

I sat in my car a little while longer trying to soak in everything around me that was different. Things really have changed. It was all so different…while being exactly the same. I pulled my North face on and got out of my car. It was colder than I had thought. I looked funny. I wasn’t dressed in my jodhpurs, polo, and half chaps. Instead, I was sporting a light purple cardigan, jeans, and suede black boots. I was getting looks. I could only imagine what was going through all of their heads. What’s she doing here? What is she wearing? There’s no way she’s here to ride. Give me a break, people. I just got back from college. I shut my car door and straightened my posture before walking toward the indoor.

“Tighten your leg and bend him toward the inside. Good. There you go. Good Job!” That wasn’t a voice that I recognized. I walked up to the opening of the indoor and made my way toward the stage.  Now I know what you’re all thinking: you have a big, huge, gigantic platform with a bazillion seats in your indoor? False. It wasn’t actually a “stage.” It was just an area in the indoor where our trainer could sit and critique us. It fit maybe about 15 people. Standing in the middle of the ring was a petite, brunette haired girl. I didn’t recognize her. My best friend, Ashley, was riding Oscar, a cute little brown and white pinto pony, along the outside of the ring. The petite, brunette haired girl turned to me.

“Hi, could I help you?” I nodded at her and walked over to shake her hand.

“Hi, I’m just visiting. I rode here before I had to leave for college. I just came by to critique my best friend,” I pointed at Ashley then and she made a face at me as she rode by,  “and say hi to Penny. Would you, by any chance, know where she is?” The girl nodded at me.

“I believe that she’s in one of the lower barns. I’m sure you’ll be able to find her no problem. I’m Sam, by the way. I’m the new assistant trainer.”

“Thank You, Sam. And it was very nice to meet you!” I started to turn before I heard Ashley’s voice.

“What about me? Is it nice to meet me, too?” I laughed and stuck my tongue out at her.

“Get back to riding Oscar. I’ll be right back.” Ashley waved and then went back to her riding. Not even a minute later, I found Penny. Well actually, I found her voice and then I found her. The best thing about Penny was that you always knew where she was…but I guess when you’re riding, that was actually the worst thing about her. She always liked to yell at me while I rode. “Don’t say you’re sorry. Fix it. Pick up the right lead. Don’t bend over the jump. Don’t let him get ahead of you. DON’T SAY YOU’RE SORRY.” She always said that I said sorry too much. I never minded the corrections, though. Now that I think back on all those times where I was being yelled at, it kind of makes me laugh.

I followed the sound of her voice and found Penny exactly where Sam said she’d be: exiting the newer, lower barn. She took one look at me and said: “Well, it’s about time you showed up.” I smiled and ran over to give her a hug.

After about an hour and roughly 15 different topic changes later, we were pretty much all caught up. We covered all the standard conversations:

“How were your grades? I remember one time your father yanked you from lessons because you had gotten a bad grade on a test.” I laughed and nodded at her.

“Of course I remember. I cried for like two days! But I did well. I made the all-academic team for athletes. Daddy really taught me a lesson by taking riding lessons away, don’t you think?” I flashed a confident smile in her direction. She looked at me with a knowing look.

“I figured you would do well. And are you still playing lacrosse?” I nodded at her.

“Yup, of course! Did you really think my dad would let me not play? Let’s be honest here.” She laughed. “I had to miss practice to come home, actually. It was the only time I could get picked up considering that the dorms closed at 6.”

“Yeah, I bet the traffic has been crazy.”

And we also had the not-so-standard conversations:

“Have you gone to see Maddie yet? We still haven’t found a home for her, ya know.” I shook my head. Maddie was my old bay mare. She was the sweetest thing you’d ever find. She was 20 now, just a year older than I was. They were retiring her. My girl was getting too old.

“No, I haven’t. I was planning to walk to the upper barn now, actually.” Penny gave me a smile and patted my arm.

“Go see her, dear.” I nodded and left the indoor to make my way up the great green hill towards the upper barn and the farmhouse. An American flag flew proudly and defiantly in the wind as the sun started to set. I looked over my shoulder to see everything unfold below me: the indoor, the two barns, all of the horses, the outdoor and a bright pink-orange sunset.

The green grass started to thin out and soon enough gravel was crunching again under my feet. The terrain started to even out and there was a light ahead. I was cold. I started to shiver. It went throughout my body and all the way to my toes…just a couple more yards. When I reached the entrance to the barn, Henry and his hay-truck greeted me; bail after bail was being brought up to the attic by a conveyer belt. I waved at him and he gave me a slight nod.

Since I hadn’t been to the barn for a while, I had to search for Maddie’s stall. It used to be the third to the left…now it was the fifth on the right. When I saw her, I could hardly contain myself. The breath caught in my throat and I forgot how to breathe for a second. “No Turn Out” was taped to the stall door. She heard me coming. Her head was already at the entrance of her stall when I slid the latch back to open the heavy wooden door.

She bent her head down low and nudged my right arm. I reached my hand up to pet her.

“Hi baby. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” I whispered in her ear. She rubbed her head against my stomach. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry that I’ve been gone for so long.” She nickered at me. I laughed. “Yes, yes, I have treats for you. Calm down.” I stepped out of the stall to grab the carrots that I left on the tack trunk. “Look what I got you.” I snapped a carrot in half and put my hand under her mouth. She looked at me for a second before deciding to accept my little gift. We stayed like that for a while, just standing together without interruption. I fed her a couple more carrots. When I ran out, I sat inside her stall and let her move around me. Every so often, she’d come nudge me to make sure that I was really still there. 

“It’s alright. I’m still here,” I’d tell her and then she’d look at me to make sure I wasn’t lying before she’d go back to doing as she pleased. But as quickly as I had gotten there, It was time for me to go. With tears pressing from behind my eyes, I started to get up. She watched me intently. She was so smart. I turned to her and as soon as she saw my face, she moved as close to me as possible. Through my sniffles, I managed a laugh. I reached up to pat her broad neck.

“I love you, too. Be good to whoever takes you, do you understand me?” Maddie bobbed her head up and down. “Be a good girl. I know you will be, though. You always are. You know that if it were anyway possible, you’d be mine again. Don’t worry, though. I’ll make sure that you go to a good home. I’ll make sure of it.” She nudged my arm again. I wrapped my arms around her neck and cried for a little while before Ashley came to get me.

“Hey,” Ash spoke softly; she knew I couldn’t handle much right now. “I think we should probably go.” I wiped my eyes and nodded at her.

“We probably should,” I agreed with her. I kissed Maddie on the cheek and met Ash in the aisle of the barn.

“How was it?” she asked.

“Peaceful…” I said. “But it was with saddest damn reunion I’ve ever had…reuniting just to say goodbye…how ironic.” Ash gave me a sad smile and nodded. She placed her right arm around my shoulders while I rested my head against hers. I wiped my eyes one last time, just missing the last tear and letting it escape. We walked out of the barn together like that: her arm around me and my head resting on her. As we reached the entrance of the barn, though, I turned around to get one last look at Maddie. She was sticking her head out of her stall, watching me an Ashley. I gave her a small wave and watched her whinny back at me.

“I’ll miss you, too,” I said under my breath. And with that, I had to force myself to walk away from my best friend, my companion, and my partner in crime. When we got to the car, Ashley could hardly console me. She gave up after a while but I didn’t mind. This was one of those things that needed time to heal. It would take a long time too, that was for sure, but eventually I’d be okay and I knew Maddie would be, too.

11.18.12: T.O.D.

         1. Last night I went to the city with my boyfriend. I got all dressed up with my pea coat and fancy boots. Buying a train ticket has become second nature for me. I can do it without thinking about it now. People kept stopping me on the streets of Times Square and were asking me for directions. I guess, to them, I looked like I belonged in the city...And as my boots were clicking along between Lexington and East 42nd, I realized something: I felt like I belonged in the city, too. I guess somewhere along the way, and I couldn't tell you when, I had actually grown up...Which then led me to my second realization: As unsure as I was about my future, last night showed me that I was ready to take it on. 

         2. This is about something that I had to deal with in my past: I think that I got lost along the way there for a little bit. I think I got a little beat up and bruised and instead of conquering it, I let it conquer me. I think that I'm never going to let that happen again. 

We all have targets on our backs for one thing or another. Accept that target and the fire that gets shot at you. It means you're the best and people want your target. Don't let them take it. Be relentless and keep fighting; always keep fighting.

I stopped fighting and I let it get the best of me. They said "oh, you're too young to have to be dealing with this," and "people are manipulative but it'll go away." Well, guess what? It didn't go away but I still dealt with it. 

You don't want to stop fighting because then you'll have to dig yourself out of a hole that you didn't even create for yourself. and guess what else, sweetheart? All those people shooting at you had your grave dug for you long before you even knew you were even in a hole.

It took me a while to realize what was happening and how to find myself again...You need something that'll take you away from it all. I used love; The love from the people who did support me and the love I felt towards the situation despite the people who wanted to tear me down. 

There was one person who really got me back to where I was before all the targets and all of the shooting and they don't even know it. One day, though, I'll tell them and then maybe they'll tell me something I never knew either.
3. This is the most accurate thing I've ever seen:

4. I seriously hate blogging without my laptop. 

11.15.12: T.O.D.

I meant to post this yesterday but the post never went through…weird. So here it is now!

and it’s your lucky day, I was thinking a lot yesterday (couldn’t tell you why), so there’s actually two T.O.D. for today:

1. A fresh manicure, a shopping spree, a good sleep, a solid gym sesh, a pint of ice cream, and a bottle of wine can fix anything.
2. People will be rude to you no matter how nice you are and regardless of if you deserve it or not.

11.12.12: Lieben

*not based on real life.
I was at my wit’s end. I heaved a sigh and looked towards the sky praying to God. I didn’t belong here and I knew it. I looked around the room…. and based on the stares that I got back, they all knew that I didn’t belong here either. Let’s be honest, I stuck out more than an all-white cow at a buffalo farm. I was completely worn out and I’ve been here for about four hours. In case you’re wondering, I’m from New York…not Tennessee…which, due to an unfortunate and cruel twist of fate, was where I was now banished. Daddy wasn’t too pleased when he found out that shoplifting and boarding school don’t mix. In my defense, it was a dare and I totally won…. but I guess that’s besides the point since I’m now like 3,000 miles away from civilization…well that’s what it felt like at least. Now I was stuck on my grandmother’s stinky horse farm with snooty old people who thought that they were all better than I was because their wrinkles were showing. Congratulations, you have terrible skin. Would you like some moisturizer for that?

            “Abigail Howard? Abigail?” hearing my name snapped me back into my real life nightmare. I raised my hand.

“Present.” Now even my teacher was starting at me. Great…as if I really needed more attention. I sat up straighter (even though I was already sitting with perfect posture).

“Well, you’re a new face. Would you like to introduce yourself?”

“Uhm…didn’t you actually just do that for me by calling my name for attendance?” Oh, this lady was going to hate me.

“Well, alright then. Why don’t you tell us where you’re from.” She motioned for me to come to the front of the class. I sighed and pushed back from the desk. I walked up slowly and for the first time in my life, I felt uncertain of myself. I turned around and gave an awkward wave to the wide-eyed class that so totally wasn’t dressed in boarding school uniforms…and then my confidence was back. I flashed a smile and held my head high.

“Hi. I’m Abigail Howard and based on the stares that you’ve all been giving me, you already know that I’m not from here. I’m from New York. My grandmother owns Rockaway Stables…” and that’s when everyone started to freak out.

“You’re rockaway royalty?!”

“No way! So which of those 50 horses is yours?”

“Are you going to be riding in the Grand Prix?”

Woah, woah. What were they talking about?

            “Uhm…” was all that I could get out. I hated horses and I hardly ever saw my grandmother.

            “Alright, class. Class! Settle down! You can all talk to Abigail after class.” So for the next 40 minutes and for the rest of the day, I got to wonder what secret was in my family and why I hadn’t known earlier that I was “rockaway royalty”…whatever that even meant.

            My Mercedes’ tires crunched over my grandmother’s mile-freaking-long driveway. Good thing the drive was pretty. Each side of the driveway was lined with white-fenced horse pastures and big oak trees. The driveway led to a big brick mansion that I was now supposed to call my home. I mean I could deal, though. To the left of the house were the barn help’s house and the actual barn. The barn was huge with 25 horse stalls on each side. I shut my car off and slowly got out. McQue, my grandmother’s border collie, greeted me. I liked McQue. He followed me to the house close to my heels. I reached down and patted his head.

            “Nana, I’m home! I neglected to mention that I was miserable and my only true friend was her nine-year old border collie. There was no answer. I decided to walk out to the barn to try and find my grandmother. I don’t know why I decided to go there. It was honestly the last place that I wanted to go. But it was nice out and I was in a good mood despite my current situation. As I was passing the entrance to the barn, though, someone grabbed my hand. I almost screamed but then I heard Nana’s voice.

            “Come look at this!” she dragged me down the barn isle until we got to one stall surrounded by about ten people. “This is Germany’s Exception…but you can call her Bella.” Nina pointed to a big sweaty horses laying down in the stall. I wish I knew what Nana was talking about. “Anyway, she’s about to give birth and her baby is all yours.” What? I didn’t want a baby horse. “His show name is ‘In Good Company’ but you can come up with his barn name. Look,” and she pointed, “there he is.” And there he was indeed, right in front of me trying to stand up. It was both the most hysterical thing and probably one of the cutest things I had ever seen. My heart melted…and then he looked right at me. He made a sound and then attempted to walk. He got one step and then another and then another. I was in shock. How’d he do that so fast? And then he kept walking until he was right in front of me. I looked down at him and he looked up at me and then he nudged my hand with his head. I gasped. He was mine.

            “Lieben,” I whispered. “I want to name him Lieben.” I heard my grandmother chuckle behind me. I turned to smile at her. “It means love in German.”

            “I know what it means, dear.” And then she smiled back at me, too. 

11.12.12: T.O.D.

The best revenge is being indifferent to the situation, showing happiness despite the situation--i mean really feeling that happiness course through your bones and embracing it, and always looking fabulous throughout the situation.

11.7.12: T.O.D.

*So I've decided to try this new idea called thought of the day (T.O.D.). Basically whenever I feel inspired, I'll put a post similar to the one below about love, learning, life, etc., and post it.

       We pride ourselves on the work--whether it be architecture, artwork, mathematical reasoning, or whatever it may be--that we do and the work that we accomplish. We put our hearts and our souls into that work...but eventually everything that we do in life will be damaged, destroyed, ruined, lost, or forgotten...So why do we kill ourselves over things that we know won't last? I think its because we like the risk and because even though every great man knows that he wont--and his creations won't--- live on, they hope that their legacies will. And besides, what would life be without a little magnificence anyway?

11.5.12: Sunshine Days

*not based on real life

You’ll end up breaking my heart…

But I’ll still love you anyway.

S.

I stuck the sticky-note to his bedpost and ran my finger over the sticky part to make sure that it was actually going to stay. I did it three more times for good measure. After I was content with my note, I slowly began to untangle myself from his body being as careful as possible to not wake him. As my feet touched the ground though, he stirred a little. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him grasp at the air where I was just laying. I froze in my tracks. I let out a breath and prayed that he please stay in his dreamland. I wanted a clean getaway…this was technically my goodbye after all. I slowly turned to catch one last glimpse of him before I left for good. He looked so peaceful. I tiptoed over to his bedside and kissed his forehead. Boy, would I miss this boy…but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I gathered my things and made my way toward the door. The tears were pressing from behind my eyes before my hand was even on the doorknob. As soon as I had closed his door as quietly as I possibly could, I let the tears free. I ran toward the elevator and tried to wipe them away from my eyes. I needed to get to work. My boss couldn’t see me like this. This was New York. New York didn’t have time for the weak and I was the best. The best didn’t have time to be weak or to show anyone that she was vulnerable. I had about 30 seconds to get myself together before this elevator hit the lobby. I took one more deep breath, wiped my eyes one last time, and allowed one more sniffle free before adjusting a big ole’ smile on my face. The elevator doors opened and I stuck a red stiletto out to show all of New York that I was back and ready to go. I walked out of the elevator with my head high and flashed a smile at the receptionist at the desk. I nodded at her.

“Good morning, Brenda!” I tried to sound as perky as possible.

“Morning, Miss Hamilton. You’ll be delighted to know that today will be all sunshine.” I nodded once more at her.

“Thank you, Brenda. I hope that you have an excellent day!” And with that, I pushed through the revolving doors out into the brisk fall day that was “all sunshine" and all mine.

10.29.12: Stranded.

It sounded like an ocean outside my window. My blinds were closed but I couldn’t bring myself to open them. The wind whipped and tore at my building. Our power was still working. My Internet and cable held strong as well. Almost every television station had coverage on Sandy but I couldn’t watch any of those. I looked for a channel, any channel, that wasn’t covering the storm. I tried to keep myself occupied. I watched a self-created Gossip Girl marathon. I probably ate about three times my body weight in food. I even colored in my princess coloring book. Fire truck and police sirens echoed in my ears and their lights flashed through my blinds. My roommates and I were going insane. We were bored.  We were stuck. Our college administrators told us that we weren’t allowed to leave our rooms but it's not like we were planning on going anywhere, anyway. 

10.18.12: Jonathan

        The footsteps were getting closer and closer. I sighed. 

        "I've acknowledged your presence, Jonathan. Don't come any closer." His footsteps continued. I counted down in my head. Five, four, three, two...and one. His arms flew out from somewhere behind me and latched around my neck. I sighed again.

         "Jonathan. We go through this everyday. How is it that you're a year older than I am and still manage to act like a child more than half of the time?" He chuckled. 

          "Ah, but on the contrary...All I'm doing is seeing the fun in life. Try it sometime. And besides, you're the one who still watches Disney movies." I swatted at him but he dodged it. 

          "Ah, but on the contrary my dear Jonathan..." Shoot. I didn't have words to finish the sentence. He flashed a smile in my direction because he knew that he had won that round. 

          "Check. Mate. I win. And need I remind you that you aren't allowed to hit your best friend?" I rolled my eyes at him.

          "Need I remind you to not be annoying?" 

          "Shush, child. You need me." He had a point...But of course that didn't stop me from countering his statement with a statement of my own laced with vitriolic sarcasm.

          "Oh, you are so right. I just need you. All. The. Time. Whatever would I do without you? God forbid it never happens!" I threw my hands in the air, pretending to pray to God in the heavens above. He folded his arms over his chest. 

          "Are you done now?" God forbid he took what he gave out. I winked at him.

          "Check and mate, Jonathan." He chuckled and his smile reached his eyes.

          "Fair enough. Will you be working today?" 

          "I sure hope so. Put a good word in for me?"

          "Obviously. Not that I need to. Everyone loves you at work. You're guaranteed my spot when I choose to give it up."

          "Yes but is that because I've been chosen or because you're biased?"

          "Both...Mostly because I'm biased."

          "Jon," I whined, " I want to get this by myself. I appreciate it but I don't want your help." 

          "I'm only kidding. You've earned it." I nodded at him.

          "Eh, I've just had a good teacher." He widened his eyes in fake astonishment.

          "Do my ears deceive me? Was that a...a compliment!?" I rolled my eyes.

          "Yeah, it was. Don't get used to it." 

          "Oh, I would never dream of it. I don't take you for granted." And even though he was being sarcastic, I knew there was an underlying truth to his words and just then, I felt a calm surround me. I smiled at him and I knew that he knew that I wouldn't take him for granted either. 

10.14.12: Sara

          I don't think that I've ever met someone so much like myself before in my life. Sara and I shared a connection. We basically shared the same mind. We were the same person in two different bodies. She would finish my sentences and I would finish hers. If I had a bad day, she would have the ice cream ready before I got to her house and vice versa. I remember how I met Sara and I never expected to be so close to her. She was one of my friends' roommates. She played soccer and I played lacrosse. Our teams didn't hate each other but they weren't exactly for each other either. We made it work. We were fast friends and best friend instantly after that. We grounded each other and never left each others side...until now.
          Sara wasn't from around here. And by here, I mean New York. Actually, if we're being honest, I'm not exactly from "here" either. I'm a Jersey girl...but Jersey is a hell of a lot closer than Texas.
         As much as Sara loved her friends and everyone that she had met, she couldn't shake the feeling that this city just wasn't for her. Eventually, the feeling got too overwhelming and she gave into it. She went back to Texas. Every single day, I miss my best friend more than you could ever imagine. I still buy our favorite ice cream every bad day and still call her for a vent sesh every once in a while. I'm not mad at her. I could never be mad at her for doing what's going to make her happy.

10.11.12: Notes and Perspectives

Hey everyone! It's midterms week (its actually been about three weeks...-.-) so I sincerely apologize if this post isn't up to my regular standards and not what you were expecting of my writing...I just wanted to get a new post up so you weren't looking at the same 10 posts. I'll try and write a lot more once I finish all of my tests. Thank you!

        I miss home. I miss home a lot and I miss home often. They told me that I needed to grow up, though, so I packed my bags and went to college like the good daughter that I trying to be. My freshman year flew by and had its fair share of ups and downs with the downs being much more prominent than the ups…but I learned a lot, too. They told me that I had changed when I came back home but honestly, all I really did was learn how to grow up. I took their advice, followed their lead, and made it on my own.

            Now it’s my sophomore year and I’m learning a whole new lesson that I didn’t think I’d have to learn for a while. They say when you fall in love, you just know…and I think that they’re right. I never believed it to be true but now I do. He’s changed my mind because he’s the reason that I am the way that I am.

            I’ve never met anyone like him before and I think that’s why I was drawn to him so fast and so easily. He was nothing short of amazing and he was all mine. I thanked God that I had gotten so lucky.

            He changed my outlook on life and he was my support system. His attitude was always positive and I wanted nothing more than to be just like him. I wanted to see life through his eyes so that’s what I did. I took his perspective and made it mine. 

            Because of him, everything I do now is done with my whole heart and I know that if I fail, he’ll be right next to me cheering anyway. He has faith in me and I had never had that before. And with him, I have trust.

            But I never told him any of that. I don’t think that he’s ready to know. I think that when you love someone, you have to be careful with him or her. You can’t push them and you can’t rush them. Love is like a song; you can’t just throw notes on a page and expect to hear music. You have to carefully construct each note to make something beautiful. 

9.24.12: William

This is about a fellow classmate that took his life earlier this morning. Please have his family in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.

            I didn’t know Will but I knew of him. I knew his face and his smile and his voice when I came across it. I’d never spoken a word to him but I knew plenty of others who had. I didn’t know his story or why everything happened the way that it had…but I did know that his story ended in a tragedy that united us all.

            Today at 4 o’clock I got to observe something that I didn’t think I’d ever have to see. Despite the great loss that my school had suffered today, I got to witness something beautiful. I got to witness the coming together of my community as a whole. Today showed me how strong we really can be when we stand together. I'm so upset and so sorry that it took the loss of one of our own for us all to see how united we truly are...

            There was complete silence as we were all ushered into the church. I was crammed next to one of my teammates and tried to ignore the fact that we all smelled horrible considering that we had just come from practice. I looked around to see if I could recognize a familiar face and was pleased when I found many. I was utterly overwhelmed by the amount of students and faculty that came to show their support. My team and I sat together, as did all of the sports teams. But the closer that I got to my seat, the closer I got to the tears. I could hear it all around me and I tried to close my mind to it.

            The service wasn’t a long one but it was lovely just the same. We exited the church just the way we had come: in complete silence. As I rose from my seat, I saw the face of one of my close friends. You could tell that the tears were pressing at his eyes. I had been so good about holding my tears back for the entire service until that moment. My self-control gave way. The tears came easily and I wasn’t sure if I was crying for Will or for myself. It didn’t feel right to cry because I had never known Will. It felt wrong to be getting patted on the back and having people whisper “it’ll be alright,” in my ear. But I did it anyway…

            Will taught me a lot today. He taught me not to take things for granted. He taught me that two minutes can make a difference. He taught me that in a time of need, you will always have someone even when you think that you don’t.

            For all that Will has taught us, I wish I could tell him thank you. So, I’m writing this for you, Will. Not for me or for your classmates, suitemates, teachers, or family. This is for you. Thank you.

You will truly be missed--and not just for your kind heart but also for all of the lessons that you taught--and continue to teach--us. Thank you, Will. Rest easy.

9.23.12: Blood is Thicker Than Gold

            “As my oldest and closest friend, I am trusting that with what I’m about to tell you, it won’t go any further than this room…Am I clear? You know how much I dislike my business to be known to the public.” He nodded his head at me. I continued,  “Plus it’d be quite a shame if dear old mom heard about how you wronged your favorite cousin, wouldn’t you agree?” A smirk played at his lips as well as mine.

            “Indeed, that would be quite a pity. But I can assure you, my dear young cousin, your secret is safe with me.” The sarcasm was thick in his voice. I swatted his arm.

            “You are only older than I am by a mere month. Please refrain from using it against me every time I decide to tell you something that is of my concern.” He swatted my arm back. Good. He understood my terms and conditions, then.

            “So tell me what’s bothering you my dear, Claire.” I signed for a moment before deciding against my better judgment to tell my judgmental cousin my problems.

            “Well, my dear Casey, you know I don’t glisten and sparkle. Despite where I, or rather where my family is in life, it’s just not my style. I’ve never been one to show off. I behave myself and I honor the family name. And despite the fact that I know that I’m well off, I can’t help but worry that now that I’ve found someone who may be out of my dating league—if you ever let him know that I will actually destroy you—I’m not something that he can be proud of.” He stayed silent, ushering me to continue. I cleared my throat. “You know how much I’ve come to like Jacob,” Casey nodded his head…he’s only heard me talk about the man about a million times already, “and well, I’m not sure if I’m…flashy…enough for him.”

            “What are you trying to get at, Claire?” He didn’t really understand. But I tried to continue to get my point across.

            “I want to be a ‘wow, that’s your girlfriend? You’re so lucky!’ kind-of girl and I’m not so sure if I am.”

            “Mhm, I see the problem here…Honestly, Claire, I never thought that I’d see the day where you would be concerned with what people thought of you. You must really care for this Jacob-fellow.” I rolled my eyes at him.

            “You know that I do. I’d just like him to look at me and want to show me off despite my lack of glitter and gold.” Casey smiled at me then and put his hand on my shoulder.

            “Dear, if he doesn’t look at you like that already, then you should be with somebody who does.” He wrapped me into a hug then and I let him hold me. I guess what they say is true: blood really is thicker than water. 

9.9.12: Walking on Water

The pen was starting to feel heavy in my hand…the sun was strong today but there was a slight breeze coming from the east to make it bearable. Children’s laughter surrounded me and I wished that my mood would reflect what I heard. I looked to my left at the playground where all of the children were running in and out and around all sorts of contraptions. A slight smile played at the corner of my lips but then I remembered why I was really here: to clear my head. I looked back at my notepad and my chicken scratch that now covered it. All of it hardly made any sense at all and my list of pros and cons weren’t getting me any closer to the answer that I was trying to find. I looked up again, this time at the glistening lake that was before me, and took the deepest breath I could muster. I held it in for a second, let it out and tried again.

            If you have to wait for something, is it really worth it?

I looked back out at the lake again for a second before my pen was back on the paper.

            It depends on what it is, how much it means to you, and how long you have to wait.

Okay, that was a decent starting point. I could work with that. Thoughts started to soar through my head…until my cell phone interrupted them.

            “Hello?”

            “Turn around…” It was Eric, my oldest and closest friend. So I guess he had come looking for me. I wasn’t sure if he’d come this time. I’ve been doing this a lot lately, you know…running away to the lake for a couple of hours, writing down my thoughts and waiting for him to come find me so I could tell him which of my thoughts I’d been able to make enough sense of to actually transfer to paper. He always found me. It was kind of our spot. We’ve been coming here since we were little kids. Our moms would take us everyday after we were done with our classes in kindergarten. We used to be those kids on the playground.

            But it was a little different now. I got up from where I was sitting to give him the hug he always got when I first saw him.

            “Alright, kit, what’s up with him this time?” Oh, right, I forgot to mention that most of what bothers me is my boyfriend, Henry. Actually, he’s not my boyfriend yet (which is the whole problem). Don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing that Henry does...I’m convinced that he’s the perfect human being and he can do no wrong but is it wrong of me to have high expectations because of that?

            “You’re thinking that your expectations are too high aren’t you?” How did he know that? Actually Eric can pretty much read my mind so I’m really not all that surprised that he just said that. I looked at him and nodded my head.

            “Is it wrong of me to want to be his girlfriend? It’s been five months. I can’t wait much longer, Er.” He nodded at me apologetically…he’s already heard this about a thousand times. I put my notepad on the bench next to me and stood up. I went to the lake’s edge and picked up a flat-looking rock. I rubbed my thumb over it a couple of times before my hand started to clench into a fist around it. I cocked my arm back and was about to throw it before I felt Eric’s hand cover mine. He shook his head at me. I lowered my arm to my side and let the wind move around me. I took another breath and looked at the sun reflect off the water.

            “I love him, you know.” Eric nodded his head. His hand came back around my hand that had the rock in it.

            “Yes, dear, I know that. But if you rush into something violently, what do you get?” He threw a rock that he had in his other hand right at the center of the lake. I heard it plop and then the rock was gone and out of our sight. I was still looking at the spot where it had disappeared when Eric spoke again. “Nothing happens. It sinks. But when you ease into things, what do you get?” He took my hand and cocked my wrist back just enough to make the rock skip three times. “You get smooth sailing, my dear.” I just nodded at him because I knew that he was right. I could feel tears pushing behind my eyes and I wanted so badly to let them go but I just couldn’t let that happen right now.

            “Do you think it’s worth it to wait? Do you believe that if you have to wait for something it’s truly worth it?” He looked down at my notepad.

            “I think that before you can ask me those questions, you should answer the ones that you wrote down yourself first.”