11.23.12: T.O.D.

Lately I've realized that a lot of girls accept less than what they deserve...Don't. Don't you dare, for one single second, settle for anything less. Know your worth and don't let anyone take it from you. Keep your head and your standards high. Do not, under any circumstance, put up with bad behavior from anyone. You deserve to be treated like the princess you are. And don't forget to speak your mind no matter what you fear will be the cost because that, my dears, is how you will figure out who is really on your side.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBpfpvicESU

11.21.12: Reuniting Goodbyes

As my tires made the transition from concrete to gravel, I felt my body relax. I let out the breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding in. To my right was the first horse pasture. That was JJ’s old pasture. I smiled to myself thinking back to that big, black, old sweetheart of a horse. To my left were the woods. As my car crept further up the drive, the gravel road opened up to reveal more horse pastures to left, the outdoor ring up a little hill to my right, and both the indoor ring and the two lower barns straight ahead of me. Welly nodded his head at my car and whinnied. I laughed at him and waved at the playful dapple-grey. He drove his hoof into the soft earth underneath him and bounced his big head up and down a couple times. It was as if he were saying, “yes, let’s go. Can we go?” He wanted to race. I shook my head at him. Not today, Welly. I drove up the hill and put my car in park. I looked around. Well, it didn’t look like this three years ago.

I sat in my car a little while longer trying to soak in everything around me that was different. Things really have changed. It was all so different…while being exactly the same. I pulled my North face on and got out of my car. It was colder than I had thought. I looked funny. I wasn’t dressed in my jodhpurs, polo, and half chaps. Instead, I was sporting a light purple cardigan, jeans, and suede black boots. I was getting looks. I could only imagine what was going through all of their heads. What’s she doing here? What is she wearing? There’s no way she’s here to ride. Give me a break, people. I just got back from college. I shut my car door and straightened my posture before walking toward the indoor.

“Tighten your leg and bend him toward the inside. Good. There you go. Good Job!” That wasn’t a voice that I recognized. I walked up to the opening of the indoor and made my way toward the stage.  Now I know what you’re all thinking: you have a big, huge, gigantic platform with a bazillion seats in your indoor? False. It wasn’t actually a “stage.” It was just an area in the indoor where our trainer could sit and critique us. It fit maybe about 15 people. Standing in the middle of the ring was a petite, brunette haired girl. I didn’t recognize her. My best friend, Ashley, was riding Oscar, a cute little brown and white pinto pony, along the outside of the ring. The petite, brunette haired girl turned to me.

“Hi, could I help you?” I nodded at her and walked over to shake her hand.

“Hi, I’m just visiting. I rode here before I had to leave for college. I just came by to critique my best friend,” I pointed at Ashley then and she made a face at me as she rode by,  “and say hi to Penny. Would you, by any chance, know where she is?” The girl nodded at me.

“I believe that she’s in one of the lower barns. I’m sure you’ll be able to find her no problem. I’m Sam, by the way. I’m the new assistant trainer.”

“Thank You, Sam. And it was very nice to meet you!” I started to turn before I heard Ashley’s voice.

“What about me? Is it nice to meet me, too?” I laughed and stuck my tongue out at her.

“Get back to riding Oscar. I’ll be right back.” Ashley waved and then went back to her riding. Not even a minute later, I found Penny. Well actually, I found her voice and then I found her. The best thing about Penny was that you always knew where she was…but I guess when you’re riding, that was actually the worst thing about her. She always liked to yell at me while I rode. “Don’t say you’re sorry. Fix it. Pick up the right lead. Don’t bend over the jump. Don’t let him get ahead of you. DON’T SAY YOU’RE SORRY.” She always said that I said sorry too much. I never minded the corrections, though. Now that I think back on all those times where I was being yelled at, it kind of makes me laugh.

I followed the sound of her voice and found Penny exactly where Sam said she’d be: exiting the newer, lower barn. She took one look at me and said: “Well, it’s about time you showed up.” I smiled and ran over to give her a hug.

After about an hour and roughly 15 different topic changes later, we were pretty much all caught up. We covered all the standard conversations:

“How were your grades? I remember one time your father yanked you from lessons because you had gotten a bad grade on a test.” I laughed and nodded at her.

“Of course I remember. I cried for like two days! But I did well. I made the all-academic team for athletes. Daddy really taught me a lesson by taking riding lessons away, don’t you think?” I flashed a confident smile in her direction. She looked at me with a knowing look.

“I figured you would do well. And are you still playing lacrosse?” I nodded at her.

“Yup, of course! Did you really think my dad would let me not play? Let’s be honest here.” She laughed. “I had to miss practice to come home, actually. It was the only time I could get picked up considering that the dorms closed at 6.”

“Yeah, I bet the traffic has been crazy.”

And we also had the not-so-standard conversations:

“Have you gone to see Maddie yet? We still haven’t found a home for her, ya know.” I shook my head. Maddie was my old bay mare. She was the sweetest thing you’d ever find. She was 20 now, just a year older than I was. They were retiring her. My girl was getting too old.

“No, I haven’t. I was planning to walk to the upper barn now, actually.” Penny gave me a smile and patted my arm.

“Go see her, dear.” I nodded and left the indoor to make my way up the great green hill towards the upper barn and the farmhouse. An American flag flew proudly and defiantly in the wind as the sun started to set. I looked over my shoulder to see everything unfold below me: the indoor, the two barns, all of the horses, the outdoor and a bright pink-orange sunset.

The green grass started to thin out and soon enough gravel was crunching again under my feet. The terrain started to even out and there was a light ahead. I was cold. I started to shiver. It went throughout my body and all the way to my toes…just a couple more yards. When I reached the entrance to the barn, Henry and his hay-truck greeted me; bail after bail was being brought up to the attic by a conveyer belt. I waved at him and he gave me a slight nod.

Since I hadn’t been to the barn for a while, I had to search for Maddie’s stall. It used to be the third to the left…now it was the fifth on the right. When I saw her, I could hardly contain myself. The breath caught in my throat and I forgot how to breathe for a second. “No Turn Out” was taped to the stall door. She heard me coming. Her head was already at the entrance of her stall when I slid the latch back to open the heavy wooden door.

She bent her head down low and nudged my right arm. I reached my hand up to pet her.

“Hi baby. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” I whispered in her ear. She rubbed her head against my stomach. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry that I’ve been gone for so long.” She nickered at me. I laughed. “Yes, yes, I have treats for you. Calm down.” I stepped out of the stall to grab the carrots that I left on the tack trunk. “Look what I got you.” I snapped a carrot in half and put my hand under her mouth. She looked at me for a second before deciding to accept my little gift. We stayed like that for a while, just standing together without interruption. I fed her a couple more carrots. When I ran out, I sat inside her stall and let her move around me. Every so often, she’d come nudge me to make sure that I was really still there. 

“It’s alright. I’m still here,” I’d tell her and then she’d look at me to make sure I wasn’t lying before she’d go back to doing as she pleased. But as quickly as I had gotten there, It was time for me to go. With tears pressing from behind my eyes, I started to get up. She watched me intently. She was so smart. I turned to her and as soon as she saw my face, she moved as close to me as possible. Through my sniffles, I managed a laugh. I reached up to pat her broad neck.

“I love you, too. Be good to whoever takes you, do you understand me?” Maddie bobbed her head up and down. “Be a good girl. I know you will be, though. You always are. You know that if it were anyway possible, you’d be mine again. Don’t worry, though. I’ll make sure that you go to a good home. I’ll make sure of it.” She nudged my arm again. I wrapped my arms around her neck and cried for a little while before Ashley came to get me.

“Hey,” Ash spoke softly; she knew I couldn’t handle much right now. “I think we should probably go.” I wiped my eyes and nodded at her.

“We probably should,” I agreed with her. I kissed Maddie on the cheek and met Ash in the aisle of the barn.

“How was it?” she asked.

“Peaceful…” I said. “But it was with saddest damn reunion I’ve ever had…reuniting just to say goodbye…how ironic.” Ash gave me a sad smile and nodded. She placed her right arm around my shoulders while I rested my head against hers. I wiped my eyes one last time, just missing the last tear and letting it escape. We walked out of the barn together like that: her arm around me and my head resting on her. As we reached the entrance of the barn, though, I turned around to get one last look at Maddie. She was sticking her head out of her stall, watching me an Ashley. I gave her a small wave and watched her whinny back at me.

“I’ll miss you, too,” I said under my breath. And with that, I had to force myself to walk away from my best friend, my companion, and my partner in crime. When we got to the car, Ashley could hardly console me. She gave up after a while but I didn’t mind. This was one of those things that needed time to heal. It would take a long time too, that was for sure, but eventually I’d be okay and I knew Maddie would be, too.

11.18.12: T.O.D.

         1. Last night I went to the city with my boyfriend. I got all dressed up with my pea coat and fancy boots. Buying a train ticket has become second nature for me. I can do it without thinking about it now. People kept stopping me on the streets of Times Square and were asking me for directions. I guess, to them, I looked like I belonged in the city...And as my boots were clicking along between Lexington and East 42nd, I realized something: I felt like I belonged in the city, too. I guess somewhere along the way, and I couldn't tell you when, I had actually grown up...Which then led me to my second realization: As unsure as I was about my future, last night showed me that I was ready to take it on. 

         2. This is about something that I had to deal with in my past: I think that I got lost along the way there for a little bit. I think I got a little beat up and bruised and instead of conquering it, I let it conquer me. I think that I'm never going to let that happen again. 

We all have targets on our backs for one thing or another. Accept that target and the fire that gets shot at you. It means you're the best and people want your target. Don't let them take it. Be relentless and keep fighting; always keep fighting.

I stopped fighting and I let it get the best of me. They said "oh, you're too young to have to be dealing with this," and "people are manipulative but it'll go away." Well, guess what? It didn't go away but I still dealt with it. 

You don't want to stop fighting because then you'll have to dig yourself out of a hole that you didn't even create for yourself. and guess what else, sweetheart? All those people shooting at you had your grave dug for you long before you even knew you were even in a hole.

It took me a while to realize what was happening and how to find myself again...You need something that'll take you away from it all. I used love; The love from the people who did support me and the love I felt towards the situation despite the people who wanted to tear me down. 

There was one person who really got me back to where I was before all the targets and all of the shooting and they don't even know it. One day, though, I'll tell them and then maybe they'll tell me something I never knew either.
3. This is the most accurate thing I've ever seen:

4. I seriously hate blogging without my laptop. 

11.15.12: T.O.D.

I meant to post this yesterday but the post never went through…weird. So here it is now!

and it’s your lucky day, I was thinking a lot yesterday (couldn’t tell you why), so there’s actually two T.O.D. for today:

1. A fresh manicure, a shopping spree, a good sleep, a solid gym sesh, a pint of ice cream, and a bottle of wine can fix anything.
2. People will be rude to you no matter how nice you are and regardless of if you deserve it or not.

11.12.12: Lieben

*not based on real life.
I was at my wit’s end. I heaved a sigh and looked towards the sky praying to God. I didn’t belong here and I knew it. I looked around the room…. and based on the stares that I got back, they all knew that I didn’t belong here either. Let’s be honest, I stuck out more than an all-white cow at a buffalo farm. I was completely worn out and I’ve been here for about four hours. In case you’re wondering, I’m from New York…not Tennessee…which, due to an unfortunate and cruel twist of fate, was where I was now banished. Daddy wasn’t too pleased when he found out that shoplifting and boarding school don’t mix. In my defense, it was a dare and I totally won…. but I guess that’s besides the point since I’m now like 3,000 miles away from civilization…well that’s what it felt like at least. Now I was stuck on my grandmother’s stinky horse farm with snooty old people who thought that they were all better than I was because their wrinkles were showing. Congratulations, you have terrible skin. Would you like some moisturizer for that?

            “Abigail Howard? Abigail?” hearing my name snapped me back into my real life nightmare. I raised my hand.

“Present.” Now even my teacher was starting at me. Great…as if I really needed more attention. I sat up straighter (even though I was already sitting with perfect posture).

“Well, you’re a new face. Would you like to introduce yourself?”

“Uhm…didn’t you actually just do that for me by calling my name for attendance?” Oh, this lady was going to hate me.

“Well, alright then. Why don’t you tell us where you’re from.” She motioned for me to come to the front of the class. I sighed and pushed back from the desk. I walked up slowly and for the first time in my life, I felt uncertain of myself. I turned around and gave an awkward wave to the wide-eyed class that so totally wasn’t dressed in boarding school uniforms…and then my confidence was back. I flashed a smile and held my head high.

“Hi. I’m Abigail Howard and based on the stares that you’ve all been giving me, you already know that I’m not from here. I’m from New York. My grandmother owns Rockaway Stables…” and that’s when everyone started to freak out.

“You’re rockaway royalty?!”

“No way! So which of those 50 horses is yours?”

“Are you going to be riding in the Grand Prix?”

Woah, woah. What were they talking about?

            “Uhm…” was all that I could get out. I hated horses and I hardly ever saw my grandmother.

            “Alright, class. Class! Settle down! You can all talk to Abigail after class.” So for the next 40 minutes and for the rest of the day, I got to wonder what secret was in my family and why I hadn’t known earlier that I was “rockaway royalty”…whatever that even meant.

            My Mercedes’ tires crunched over my grandmother’s mile-freaking-long driveway. Good thing the drive was pretty. Each side of the driveway was lined with white-fenced horse pastures and big oak trees. The driveway led to a big brick mansion that I was now supposed to call my home. I mean I could deal, though. To the left of the house were the barn help’s house and the actual barn. The barn was huge with 25 horse stalls on each side. I shut my car off and slowly got out. McQue, my grandmother’s border collie, greeted me. I liked McQue. He followed me to the house close to my heels. I reached down and patted his head.

            “Nana, I’m home! I neglected to mention that I was miserable and my only true friend was her nine-year old border collie. There was no answer. I decided to walk out to the barn to try and find my grandmother. I don’t know why I decided to go there. It was honestly the last place that I wanted to go. But it was nice out and I was in a good mood despite my current situation. As I was passing the entrance to the barn, though, someone grabbed my hand. I almost screamed but then I heard Nana’s voice.

            “Come look at this!” she dragged me down the barn isle until we got to one stall surrounded by about ten people. “This is Germany’s Exception…but you can call her Bella.” Nina pointed to a big sweaty horses laying down in the stall. I wish I knew what Nana was talking about. “Anyway, she’s about to give birth and her baby is all yours.” What? I didn’t want a baby horse. “His show name is ‘In Good Company’ but you can come up with his barn name. Look,” and she pointed, “there he is.” And there he was indeed, right in front of me trying to stand up. It was both the most hysterical thing and probably one of the cutest things I had ever seen. My heart melted…and then he looked right at me. He made a sound and then attempted to walk. He got one step and then another and then another. I was in shock. How’d he do that so fast? And then he kept walking until he was right in front of me. I looked down at him and he looked up at me and then he nudged my hand with his head. I gasped. He was mine.

            “Lieben,” I whispered. “I want to name him Lieben.” I heard my grandmother chuckle behind me. I turned to smile at her. “It means love in German.”

            “I know what it means, dear.” And then she smiled back at me, too. 

11.12.12: T.O.D.

The best revenge is being indifferent to the situation, showing happiness despite the situation--i mean really feeling that happiness course through your bones and embracing it, and always looking fabulous throughout the situation.

11.7.12: T.O.D.

*So I've decided to try this new idea called thought of the day (T.O.D.). Basically whenever I feel inspired, I'll put a post similar to the one below about love, learning, life, etc., and post it.

       We pride ourselves on the work--whether it be architecture, artwork, mathematical reasoning, or whatever it may be--that we do and the work that we accomplish. We put our hearts and our souls into that work...but eventually everything that we do in life will be damaged, destroyed, ruined, lost, or forgotten...So why do we kill ourselves over things that we know won't last? I think its because we like the risk and because even though every great man knows that he wont--and his creations won't--- live on, they hope that their legacies will. And besides, what would life be without a little magnificence anyway?

11.5.12: Sunshine Days

*not based on real life

You’ll end up breaking my heart…

But I’ll still love you anyway.

S.

I stuck the sticky-note to his bedpost and ran my finger over the sticky part to make sure that it was actually going to stay. I did it three more times for good measure. After I was content with my note, I slowly began to untangle myself from his body being as careful as possible to not wake him. As my feet touched the ground though, he stirred a little. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him grasp at the air where I was just laying. I froze in my tracks. I let out a breath and prayed that he please stay in his dreamland. I wanted a clean getaway…this was technically my goodbye after all. I slowly turned to catch one last glimpse of him before I left for good. He looked so peaceful. I tiptoed over to his bedside and kissed his forehead. Boy, would I miss this boy…but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I gathered my things and made my way toward the door. The tears were pressing from behind my eyes before my hand was even on the doorknob. As soon as I had closed his door as quietly as I possibly could, I let the tears free. I ran toward the elevator and tried to wipe them away from my eyes. I needed to get to work. My boss couldn’t see me like this. This was New York. New York didn’t have time for the weak and I was the best. The best didn’t have time to be weak or to show anyone that she was vulnerable. I had about 30 seconds to get myself together before this elevator hit the lobby. I took one more deep breath, wiped my eyes one last time, and allowed one more sniffle free before adjusting a big ole’ smile on my face. The elevator doors opened and I stuck a red stiletto out to show all of New York that I was back and ready to go. I walked out of the elevator with my head high and flashed a smile at the receptionist at the desk. I nodded at her.

“Good morning, Brenda!” I tried to sound as perky as possible.

“Morning, Miss Hamilton. You’ll be delighted to know that today will be all sunshine.” I nodded once more at her.

“Thank you, Brenda. I hope that you have an excellent day!” And with that, I pushed through the revolving doors out into the brisk fall day that was “all sunshine" and all mine.