10.31.13: Silence

They say silence is comfortable. They say that you have to be comfortable with the silence. And they also say that if you are comfortable with that silence that it means that you’re comfortable with that person.

But I don’t believe that’s the case. I believe there’s another type of silence. It’s not quite awkward but it’s not comfortable either. It’s the silence that makes you think. It’s the “what is the other person thinking” kind of silence. And it’s awkward and comfortable and strange all at once.

You’re not really sure what to make of it because neither of you are speaking but you’ve been in this situation before. So you just stare out the window, hoping something interesting might pass you by. 

10.30.13: You're Never Around

You’re never around.

I never see you.

I’m not sure what’s to blame:

Your work or your lack of priority?

One separated to two…

Me without you…

Disconnected.

Hanging by a thread.

I’ll hold on (until I’m dead).

10.22.13: Headache

So I wrote this poem the other day for my poetry class and I honestly didn't expect to get a good grade on it because I actually put no effort into it (shhh...don't tell my teacher)! And then, for some odd reason (and by God's grace), my teacher actually loved it and gave me a good grade. So, I've decided to share this poem with all of you. And also, just for clarification, there is no metaphor or simile or anything behind this poem. I literally just had a headache and since it hurt so badly, that's all that I could think about so that's what I wrote about. But yeah, so here it is:

My head pounds
pounds
pounds.
And my thoughts can't focus.
And maybe it'll stop
but then again, maybe it won't.
and they occur too often now.
but they still won't stop.
and my head pounds
pounds
pounds.

10.20.13: Living Lies

Okay, if i'm being completely honest (which I usually am), I really couldn't tell you where the inspiration for this post came from...I hope that you all like it regardless!

“I’d rather live in the lie then accept the truth,” is what she told me. And that’s what she did. Her world wasn’t real…but it was to her. And she was happy. And I never understood how she did it because she seemed fine for the most part.

“Money is no object,” is what she told me. And that’s exactly what it wasn’t. Whatever she wanted, that’s what she got. And I don’t know how she did it because the money never seemed to run out.

“It’s personality,” is what she told me. And that’s exactly what it was. She had this sway about her. People fell mute when she spoke so they could all hear what she had to say. And I don’t know how she did it…there must’ve been sunbeams shooting out from all around her.

But I knew better because I knew her. Underneath the rays of gold that emanated from her, and her dazzling white smile, and those sparkling eyes, there was pain. But I was the only one who knew. I was the only one that she let see.

“It’s starting to get to me,” is what she told me. “I’m starting to lose it. And I just want to lie in bed all day.” And I agreed with her…if only to ease her mind. She couldn’t do it all but she wanted to show the world that she could. And the whole world believed the lie…the perfectly, imperfect lie.

How do you do it all? They always questioned. And she just shrugged, like it was nothing. But it was something. And she knew that she couldn’t do it all on her own, but she was determined…determined to be known, determined to be above the rest, determined to be admired (or envied…whichever came first).

She was drowning slowly, oh so slowly. She felt immobile. And I didn’t know how to help her. So I held her tight and I told her I’d be there. She knew I would be.

We parted ways. I told her to stay strong. But before I left, I stole one last look at her and watched the girl who believed her own lie…I called out to her:

“I’d admire you. I’d think you could do it all.” And she smiled her brilliant smile, and it reached her eyes. She mouthed a “thank you” and I nodded at her. And then I watched her walk away, almost wishing that I had a lie of my own. 

10.20.12: Stuck

I'm helpless and I'm stuck.
I'm undeniably, unconditionally, and unfortunately in love with you.
My heart swells with hope and then
my heart deflates
when I realize that
I'm not
the
one.
But oh how badly do I want to be that one.
It's all that I want.
You tell me that I assume too much.
But I think this is right.
Because that sparkle isn't in your eyes anymore;
there is no more light.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSg9RDS1A1Q

10.12.13: A Friend

            Every time that I hear the church bells chime, a shiver goes through my body…and he’s the only thing that I remember.

            Every seat was filled; people were standing; the church had reached its capacity.

            Too many questions had been unanswered but there was one thing that I was sure of: I needed to be there.

            The pain was overwhelming and the tears came easily because why wouldn’t they? They were all for him. 

            I hadn’t seen her in a year now but she looked the same to me. She was wearing white. I didn’t have time to wonder if I looked the same to her. I was wearing black. My steps were quick and deliberate because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could handle being in that place…and then it struck me how this place of worship could also be this place of misery.

            I was the first one to give her a hug. She didn’t see me until I was three feet in front of her but after she saw me, for the first time, I saw her face brighten just a little bit and I smiled back weakly, if only to make her smile last a little bit longer.

            “What are you doing home? I thought you were supposed to be at college,” she whispered.

            And then with my voice cracking, I responded as evenly as possible, “I just figured that you could use a friend.” She looked at me for a second before throwing her arms around my neck. I pulled her in tight, and then even tighter, afraid that I might lose her, too.

            “Yeah, I did,” she sobbed into my hair. And then I held her. And she held me. And I’m not sure how long we stayed like that. It was a long time before she said something again. I breathed in her hair and we both cried, silently consoling each other.

            “I needed this hug. I’ve missed your hugs. I’ve missed you,” she whispered. I choked out a sob-laugh as we released our embrace.

            “I’ve missed you, too,” I whispered while I wiped my eyes and tried to smile. “I’m so sorry…I wish that I could’ve seen you under better circumstances.” She nodded at me.

            “I’m honestly so shocked that you came home, though. I wasn’t expecting that at all. Thank you so much for always being there. You’re one of those friends where I don’t have to talk to you everyday but I know that I can still count on you for everything. That means so much…. Thank you for coming today. You have no idea how much that meant.” And then, gesturing to her white dress, she added, “Do you like my white dress? I knew he would be so mad if I wore black today. He’d never let me wear black if he were here.” And then she smiled and looked up toward Heaven and my eyes followed hers. I didn’t know how to answer her so I simply nodded and said:

“Yeah, I wanted to surprise you. I knew you’d need a friend.” 

For Colin. 9.17.13.