“Did you really love him?” I shook
my head. He pushed on. “You were together for a year, though.”
“I know.”
“That was your longest
relationship.” I heaved a sigh, stopped typing my term paper, and shifted my
eyes from my laptop to his face.
“I know.”
“Why not? Why didn’t you love him?”
“I tricked myself into it.” I
watched the confusion cross his face.
“What do you mean?” I looked at Max
for a second longer before I moved my laptop from my lap to the table. I patted
my knee, inviting him to sit. I can’t believe I was about to explain my love
life to a six-year-old.
“What would you like to know, Max?”
“Everything.” This wasn’t going to
be a short conversation. I ruffled his hair.
“That, my dear, will take quite a
long time. Why don’t you start with one question and we can go from there?” He
put his finger to his lips and thought for a moment before nodding his head.
“Okay, deal. What was he like?”
More like what wasn’t he like?
“He was a lot of things, Max. He
was funny and he was nice when he wanted to be. He had a lot of friends. I
guess you could call him popular if you wanted. He was athletic but not the
best student. But do you want to know what he was the most?” Max nodded
feverishly. “Not good for me.” A frown played at the corners of Max’s lips.
“I don’t get it, Kay.” I smiled at
him.
“Well that’s because you’re six and
you haven’t had to deal with any of this yet, kiddo. But what I mean is that we
had nothing in common. Us together didn’t really make any sense. We looked cute
together…”
“I know. I’ve seen pictures.”
“…But there was always something
missing with him. It was never enough. He didn’t prove to me that he truly
wanted to be with me. There wasn’t a lot of effort put in. It’s the little
things, kiddo. Remember that, okay? And you’ve known me for a long time now,
Max. Can’t you tell how much happier I am?”
“Yes, yes I can. You look a lot
prettier when you smile all the time.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that.
“Well, thank you! And you want to
know something? You look a cuter when
you’re in bed instead of asking me about my ex-boyfriend.” I tapped my finger
on his nose. He laughed and swatted at my hand.
“But I’m not done asking, Kayleigh.
You didn’t tell me about the tricking thing.” Ah, what an intuitive
six-year-old he was.
“Right. I tricked myself…Have you
ever had a food that you really liked because someone told you that it was good
for you?” Max thought about it for a second.
“Yes. Carrots. My mom tells me all
the time that they help me see better but I only like them when she doesn’t cook
them. I have to eat them crunchy.”
“Okay. Right. That’s how it was for
my ex-boyfriend and me. I liked to think that he was good for me but when I
really thought about it, I realized that I only liked him when I could have him
the way that I wanted.”
“So
why did it take a year?”
“Because
I thought that I did love him. And it’s not easy losing someone that’s been in your
life for a long time.”
“I’d
be sad if I lost you, Kay.”
“I’d
be sad if I lost you too, Max.”
“So
what made you realize that you didn’t love him?”
“What
makes you ask that?” He buried his face between my arm and chest. “Max? C’mon.
You can tell me.” Between muffled tones coming through my shirt I could just
barely make out: “because I think I’m in love.” I laughed and he peeked up at
me.
“What’s
so funny?”
“Max,
you’re six. It’s okay to think that you’re in love but you have your entire life
to think that and actually see it come true. May I ask who the girl is?” A
little blush played on his cheeks.
“Her
name is Samantha,” he mumbled. “She’s really pretty.”
“I
bet she is. Maybe I’ll get to meet her one day.”
“Maybe.
But can you answer my question?”
“And
which question would that be?”
“How
did you know that you didn’t love him?” I stayed quiet for a moment not wanting
to say it out loud. “C’mon. I told you.” He was right. Now I had to tell him.
“Because
I fell in love with someone else. Now I know what love is. I didn’t know what
it was back then because I wasn’t experiencing it. Now I am.” Max cocked his
head to the side and studied my face.
“Maybe
I’ll get to meet him one day.” I laughed and ruffled his hair.
“One
day, kiddo,” I promised. “Now go get ready for bed before your mom gets home.”
He kissed my cheek, hopped down from my lap, and scampered towards the stairs.
I watched him go, realizing that a six-year-old just helped me figure out the
last year and a half of my life. I smiled to myself and got up to follow Max up
the stairs.
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