12.23.12: Grandmother

I just wanted to get a quick post up in honor of my grandmother:

80 is a big number. 80 years is a long time. Today, my grandmother turned 80. My grandmother is a very smart woman. She taught my mother a lot of things. My mother then taught them to me. I have my grandmother to thank for who I am. I got my love of writing from her. I got my common sense from her. My grandmother pulled me through the tough times and everything in between. 

12.21.12: Dylan

One of my best friends that I've known literally since I was born asked me to write a little story about him and include five specific things of his choosing into the story. Try and see if you can figure out the five things:

We didn’t have a choice when it came to our friendship. We were forced together by our mothers who had become fast best friends in college. He was six months older than I was and to this day, he doesn’t let me forget it. He never talks down to me, though. He’s mature like that. He was big into sports. His favorite was baseball and he even played for a little while in college. He tried to teach me once. I hated it. I told him that it was too boring for me. All he did was laugh and ruffle my hair.

Now we’re 19 and 20 and he’s still trying to teach me things. Sometimes I listen…and sometimes I don’t. I know that it’s probably in my best interest to take his advice (he has been on this Earth longer, after all…by six months…) but sometimes I just forget. His latest lesson was nutrition. He was in college to learn and teach people how to properly eat and be in the best shape possible. I forget the word for it. It wasn’t a dietician. Not a neutralist. Uhm…I’ll think of it later. Anyway, he was trying to prepare me for my upcoming college lacrosse season. A sports nutritionist! That’s what he was. Anyway, his favorite thing to do was move cars. Yeah, you heard me right. I asked him if he could teach me to move cars, too. He said no. I probably should’ve listened to him beforehand I guess. Lifting was kind of his thing and I kind of wanted to follow in his footsteps. He was inspirational like that. He said that he needed to teach me technique first. So he did. And I listened this time. I still haven’t moved a car yet, though.

He taught me a lot. But I taught him some, too. My best lesson to date was girls. He needed some help. He’d also kill me for telling you that. He was pretty smooth on his own but I made him smoother than ice that had just had the zammbonie go over it.

We helped each other out a lot without realizing it, I think. I turned to him in my time of need and he turned to me in his. We might not be related by blood, but we were related in every other sense of the word. I knew at the end of the day that he had my back and he knew that I had his. 

12.14.12: TO.D.

Today America suffered a tragedy that didn't just affect the people directly involved, but everyone around the world. This incident is something that no one ever thought that they would have to deal with. There are now 27 dead in Connecticut with three left in the hospital. A mass stabbing in China left 22 dead. Our world isn't going to end because of a meteor shower or an explosion. Our world is going to end because virtually all of humanity is being lost. It is such a sad thought to think that our ultimate undoing will be thanks to our own self-destruction. I have everyone in my thoughts and prayers today.
My father taught me to be brave. My mother taught me to be smart. My brother taught me to laugh. My sister taught me how to play dress up/ My family taught me how to love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eThpyx8ouOc

12.12.12: T.O.D.

Have you ever been scared that you'll never amount to anything? Or that everything that you work for today, tomorrow, and each and every day won't ultimately get you anywhere or ultimately where you truly want to be?
Since it's finals week, here's a little motivation to get you all to where you ultimately, truly want to be. I wish you all the best of luck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtgoDXEOxTM

12.12.12.: T.O.D.

*I'd like to thank Gossip Girl for the inspiration for this post:
When you're so scared of your heart getting broken but you surrender that power which could so easily fully break you to someone anyway, that's when you're truly in love.

12.11.12: T.O.D.

Sometimes we feel so strongly about something that we subconsciously push our opinions onto others without realizing the effects we're imposing and without taking into account what the other is thinking, feeling, and responding.

12.10.12: Six Going on Twenty

“Did you really love him?” I shook my head. He pushed on. “You were together for a year, though.”

“I know.”

“That was your longest relationship.” I heaved a sigh, stopped typing my term paper, and shifted my eyes from my laptop to his face.

“I know.”

“Why not? Why didn’t you love him?”

“I tricked myself into it.” I watched the confusion cross his face.

“What do you mean?” I looked at Max for a second longer before I moved my laptop from my lap to the table. I patted my knee, inviting him to sit. I can’t believe I was about to explain my love life to a six-year-old.

“What would you like to know, Max?”

“Everything.” This wasn’t going to be a short conversation. I ruffled his hair.

“That, my dear, will take quite a long time. Why don’t you start with one question and we can go from there?” He put his finger to his lips and thought for a moment before nodding his head.

“Okay, deal. What was he like?” More like what wasn’t he like?

“He was a lot of things, Max. He was funny and he was nice when he wanted to be. He had a lot of friends. I guess you could call him popular if you wanted. He was athletic but not the best student. But do you want to know what he was the most?” Max nodded feverishly. “Not good for me.” A frown played at the corners of Max’s lips.

“I don’t get it, Kay.” I smiled at him.

“Well that’s because you’re six and you haven’t had to deal with any of this yet, kiddo. But what I mean is that we had nothing in common. Us together didn’t really make any sense. We looked cute together…”

“I know. I’ve seen pictures.”

“…But there was always something missing with him. It was never enough. He didn’t prove to me that he truly wanted to be with me. There wasn’t a lot of effort put in. It’s the little things, kiddo. Remember that, okay? And you’ve known me for a long time now, Max. Can’t you tell how much happier I am?”

“Yes, yes I can. You look a lot prettier when you smile all the time.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“Well, thank you! And you want to know something? You look a cuter when you’re in bed instead of asking me about my ex-boyfriend.” I tapped my finger on his nose. He laughed and swatted at my hand.

“But I’m not done asking, Kayleigh. You didn’t tell me about the tricking thing.” Ah, what an intuitive six-year-old he was.

“Right. I tricked myself…Have you ever had a food that you really liked because someone told you that it was good for you?” Max thought about it for a second.

“Yes. Carrots. My mom tells me all the time that they help me see better but I only like them when she doesn’t cook them. I have to eat them crunchy.”

“Okay. Right. That’s how it was for my ex-boyfriend and me. I liked to think that he was good for me but when I really thought about it, I realized that I only liked him when I could have him the way that I wanted.”

            “So why did it take a year?”

            “Because I thought that I did love him. And it’s not easy losing someone that’s been in your life for a long time.”

            “I’d be sad if I lost you, Kay.”

            “I’d be sad if I lost you too, Max.”

            “So what made you realize that you didn’t love him?”

            “What makes you ask that?” He buried his face between my arm and chest. “Max? C’mon. You can tell me.” Between muffled tones coming through my shirt I could just barely make out: “because I think I’m in love.” I laughed and he peeked up at me.

            “What’s so funny?”

            “Max, you’re six. It’s okay to think that you’re in love but you have your entire life to think that and actually see it come true. May I ask who the girl is?” A little blush played on his cheeks.

            “Her name is Samantha,” he mumbled. “She’s really pretty.”

            “I bet she is. Maybe I’ll get to meet her one day.”

            “Maybe. But can you answer my question?”

            “And which question would that be?”

            “How did you know that you didn’t love him?” I stayed quiet for a moment not wanting to say it out loud. “C’mon. I told you.” He was right. Now I had to tell him.

            “Because I fell in love with someone else. Now I know what love is. I didn’t know what it was back then because I wasn’t experiencing it. Now I am.” Max cocked his head to the side and studied my face.

            “Maybe I’ll get to meet him one day.” I laughed and ruffled his hair.

            “One day, kiddo,” I promised. “Now go get ready for bed before your mom gets home.” He kissed my cheek, hopped down from my lap, and scampered towards the stairs. I watched him go, realizing that a six-year-old just helped me figure out the last year and a half of my life. I smiled to myself and got up to follow Max up the stairs. 

12.10.12: T.O.D.

I'm either creatively stupid or much too smart for my own good. It's perspective.

12.8.12: T.O.D

1. I don't think that im capable of love. I crave it and it's all that I want in life but I feel as if I find some way to mess it up each time.
2. My favorite song is the one with the lyrics that can speak my mind for me when I don't know how to convey my thoughts and feelings.

12.7.12: T.O.D.

The best warmth is not the warmth that you feel outside of your body and then absorb but instead the warmth that is already inside your body from your heart. It feels like drinking a cup of hot chocolate and feeling the liquid slide smoothly down your throat and having the warmth radiate throughout your body.

12.6.12: Three Lies and No Truth

*not based on real life

            One of our hearts was going to end up broken. I wasn’t sure whose it would be or when it would happen but I did know that it would all come tumbling down and there’d be nothing that I could do about it. The realization hit me with a force so real that my breath was taken from my lungs. I bit my lip to try and keep the tears back. A shiver shot through my body.

            “Hey, hey, it’s alright. Are you cold?” He moved the blanket further up the bed and rubbed my right arm. I turned on my side and brought the blanket up to my face.

            “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry.” Lie.

            “Are you sure?”

            “Of course. I’m with you. I’m fine.” Lie.

            “Okay. Just let me know.”

            “I will.” Lie. He kissed my forehead and turned back to sleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I turned back toward him and rested my head on his chest. I listened to his steady heartbeat: thump, thump. Thump, thump. I drew circles on his chest until I heard his heavy breathing. I looked up at him then, trying to memorize his face. I kissed his cheek and crawled out of bed making sure not to wake him. I tiptoed out into the living room where I was greeted by four of his roommates. We exchanged high fives and fist pounds before we all settled in for Sunday night football. Within minutes of the game and for no particular reason at all, we were laughing so hard that our faces hurt. When I could catch my breath again, I looked around the room. I’d miss all of this…but as it turns out, I fell in love with someone I could never have.

12.2.12: T.O.D.

Perfection.

Interpret that as you wish.

11.28.12: What a Sinister First Semester...

*I wrote this a couple of days ago but I haven't had to chance to post it because (1) I thought that I'd end up writing a lot more and (2) I have actually, without a doubt, been drowning in my work...I hate, with all of my being, the last couple of weeks of the semester when finals start to roll around. But if any of you are curious, here's how my first semester is wrapping up:

The amount of coffee that was in my body right now was not okay…I could practically feel the caffeine swimming through my veins but at least that meant that I knew that the coffee was working. My professor was talking about something along the lines of grammar and I almost missed her question: “and, at, in…What are those?” I rolled my eyes. Prepositions, people…they are freaking preposition. C’mon.

            “What are those, class?” I rolled my eyes again and heaved an exhausted sigh. Jesus, I was surrounded by idiots.

            “Prepositions…” I breathed. Unfortunately, my teacher heard me. She turned to me with a “thank-you-for-knowing-something” look. Well, I guess that I’m happy to oblique, teacher-lady.

            “Thank you, Miss Hawthorne. Would you mind telling the class what the answer is?” Really? Was she kidding? She was looking at me so hopefully…how could I say no? Fine. I turned in my chair to find 26 half-bored, half-annoyed eyes starring back at me. It’s not like I asked for the attention, people. I tried to mimic their expressions of annoyance and boredom. I blew the non-existent bangs out of my eyes.

            “They’re prepositions.”

            It’s been one hell of a day already. I beat my alarm this morning by an hour and a half. Who does that? Not to mention that I was only running on about four hours of sleep. I tried to go back to bed but to no avail. I had to print all of my papers out at the library anyway. So instead of cuddling back into my blankets, I hauled myself down my bunk bed ladder and dragged my butt to my bathroom. The reflection starring back at me wasn’t one that I recognized. This girl had bags under her eyes and sadness radiated throughout her face like a disease. That wasn’t me. I wrinkled my nose my nose at the reflection. I turned the sink on and started to wash my face. I was concerned. Where was my smile? And then I remembered all the work that I had to do...and the fact that none of it was getting done.

            I felt worn down and mentally exhausted. It was only Wednesday. And Thanksgiving was last week. I shouldn’t be so…what’s the word I was even looking for…unmotivated? I was just always tired. I stared at my agenda and tried to focus on one thing that I could actually accomplish. I kept staring. Five more minutes went by. Nothing was registering. I laid my head on my desk and tried not to cry. Why was I so overwhelmed? All I wanted was my 4.0 so I could move on with my life.

            My phone rang and I rotated my head to try and locate my phone. I checked the caller ID and groaned. It was my brother. I reached my hand out and slid the button to unlock my phone.

            “What?”

            “Well hello to you, too. Whatcha doin right now?” I took a minute to answer because I was trying to find an answer that didn’t sound idiotic…but I really couldn’t find one.

            “Uhm…I’m basically falling asleep on my desk. Why?” I couldn’t feel my body.

            “No reason. Just calling to let you know I got a 100 on my AP chemistry test.” Oh, that’s all?

            “Wow. Good for you. I’m so proud of you, kiddo. Good job.” And there he went again kicking my butt at school. Sorry that I sounded so enthusiastic about it…not. “Why do you sound so depressed?” Well at least he didn’t sugarcoat it.

            “I have a group project, five papers, a book to read, a module exercise, about 15 power points to print, and two Saturday classes to do this week. Do the math.” There was silence on the other end for a minute.

            “So…I’ll just talk to you later then, okay?” I didn’t even have it in me to say goodbye before I hung up my phone.