Every
time that I hear the church bells chime, a shiver goes through my body…and he’s
the only thing that I remember.
Every
seat was filled; people were standing; the church had reached its capacity.
Too
many questions had been unanswered but there was one thing that I was sure of:
I needed to be there.
The
pain was overwhelming and the tears came easily because why wouldn’t they? They
were all for him.
I
hadn’t seen her in a year now but she looked the same to me. She was wearing
white. I didn’t have time to wonder if I looked the same to her. I was wearing
black. My steps were quick and deliberate because I wasn’t sure how much longer
I could handle being in that place…and then it struck me how this place of
worship could also be this place of misery.
I
was the first one to give her a hug. She didn’t see me until I was three feet
in front of her but after she saw me, for the first time, I saw her face
brighten just a little bit and I smiled back weakly, if only to make her smile
last a little bit longer.
“What
are you doing home? I thought you were supposed to be at college,” she
whispered.
And
then with my voice cracking, I responded as evenly as possible, “I just figured
that you could use a friend.” She looked at me for a second before throwing her
arms around my neck. I pulled her in tight, and then even tighter, afraid that
I might lose her, too.
“Yeah,
I did,” she sobbed into my hair. And then I held her. And she held me. And I’m
not sure how long we stayed like that. It was a long time before she said
something again. I breathed in her hair and we both cried, silently consoling
each other.
“I
needed this hug. I’ve missed your hugs. I’ve missed you,” she whispered. I
choked out a sob-laugh as we released our embrace.
“I’ve
missed you, too,” I whispered while I wiped my eyes and tried to smile. “I’m so
sorry…I wish that I could’ve seen you under better circumstances.” She nodded
at me.
“I’m
honestly so shocked that you came home, though. I wasn’t expecting that at all.
Thank you so much for always being there. You’re one of those friends where I
don’t have to talk to you everyday but I know that I can still count on you for
everything. That means so much…. Thank you for coming today. You have no idea
how much that meant.” And then, gesturing to her white dress, she added, “Do
you like my white dress? I knew he would be so mad if I wore black today. He’d
never let me wear black if he were here.” And then she smiled and looked up
toward Heaven and my eyes followed hers. I didn’t know how to answer her so I
simply nodded and said:
“Yeah, I wanted to surprise you. I
knew you’d need a friend.”
For Colin. 9.17.13.
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