11.21.12: Reuniting Goodbyes

As my tires made the transition from concrete to gravel, I felt my body relax. I let out the breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding in. To my right was the first horse pasture. That was JJ’s old pasture. I smiled to myself thinking back to that big, black, old sweetheart of a horse. To my left were the woods. As my car crept further up the drive, the gravel road opened up to reveal more horse pastures to left, the outdoor ring up a little hill to my right, and both the indoor ring and the two lower barns straight ahead of me. Welly nodded his head at my car and whinnied. I laughed at him and waved at the playful dapple-grey. He drove his hoof into the soft earth underneath him and bounced his big head up and down a couple times. It was as if he were saying, “yes, let’s go. Can we go?” He wanted to race. I shook my head at him. Not today, Welly. I drove up the hill and put my car in park. I looked around. Well, it didn’t look like this three years ago.

I sat in my car a little while longer trying to soak in everything around me that was different. Things really have changed. It was all so different…while being exactly the same. I pulled my North face on and got out of my car. It was colder than I had thought. I looked funny. I wasn’t dressed in my jodhpurs, polo, and half chaps. Instead, I was sporting a light purple cardigan, jeans, and suede black boots. I was getting looks. I could only imagine what was going through all of their heads. What’s she doing here? What is she wearing? There’s no way she’s here to ride. Give me a break, people. I just got back from college. I shut my car door and straightened my posture before walking toward the indoor.

“Tighten your leg and bend him toward the inside. Good. There you go. Good Job!” That wasn’t a voice that I recognized. I walked up to the opening of the indoor and made my way toward the stage.  Now I know what you’re all thinking: you have a big, huge, gigantic platform with a bazillion seats in your indoor? False. It wasn’t actually a “stage.” It was just an area in the indoor where our trainer could sit and critique us. It fit maybe about 15 people. Standing in the middle of the ring was a petite, brunette haired girl. I didn’t recognize her. My best friend, Ashley, was riding Oscar, a cute little brown and white pinto pony, along the outside of the ring. The petite, brunette haired girl turned to me.

“Hi, could I help you?” I nodded at her and walked over to shake her hand.

“Hi, I’m just visiting. I rode here before I had to leave for college. I just came by to critique my best friend,” I pointed at Ashley then and she made a face at me as she rode by,  “and say hi to Penny. Would you, by any chance, know where she is?” The girl nodded at me.

“I believe that she’s in one of the lower barns. I’m sure you’ll be able to find her no problem. I’m Sam, by the way. I’m the new assistant trainer.”

“Thank You, Sam. And it was very nice to meet you!” I started to turn before I heard Ashley’s voice.

“What about me? Is it nice to meet me, too?” I laughed and stuck my tongue out at her.

“Get back to riding Oscar. I’ll be right back.” Ashley waved and then went back to her riding. Not even a minute later, I found Penny. Well actually, I found her voice and then I found her. The best thing about Penny was that you always knew where she was…but I guess when you’re riding, that was actually the worst thing about her. She always liked to yell at me while I rode. “Don’t say you’re sorry. Fix it. Pick up the right lead. Don’t bend over the jump. Don’t let him get ahead of you. DON’T SAY YOU’RE SORRY.” She always said that I said sorry too much. I never minded the corrections, though. Now that I think back on all those times where I was being yelled at, it kind of makes me laugh.

I followed the sound of her voice and found Penny exactly where Sam said she’d be: exiting the newer, lower barn. She took one look at me and said: “Well, it’s about time you showed up.” I smiled and ran over to give her a hug.

After about an hour and roughly 15 different topic changes later, we were pretty much all caught up. We covered all the standard conversations:

“How were your grades? I remember one time your father yanked you from lessons because you had gotten a bad grade on a test.” I laughed and nodded at her.

“Of course I remember. I cried for like two days! But I did well. I made the all-academic team for athletes. Daddy really taught me a lesson by taking riding lessons away, don’t you think?” I flashed a confident smile in her direction. She looked at me with a knowing look.

“I figured you would do well. And are you still playing lacrosse?” I nodded at her.

“Yup, of course! Did you really think my dad would let me not play? Let’s be honest here.” She laughed. “I had to miss practice to come home, actually. It was the only time I could get picked up considering that the dorms closed at 6.”

“Yeah, I bet the traffic has been crazy.”

And we also had the not-so-standard conversations:

“Have you gone to see Maddie yet? We still haven’t found a home for her, ya know.” I shook my head. Maddie was my old bay mare. She was the sweetest thing you’d ever find. She was 20 now, just a year older than I was. They were retiring her. My girl was getting too old.

“No, I haven’t. I was planning to walk to the upper barn now, actually.” Penny gave me a smile and patted my arm.

“Go see her, dear.” I nodded and left the indoor to make my way up the great green hill towards the upper barn and the farmhouse. An American flag flew proudly and defiantly in the wind as the sun started to set. I looked over my shoulder to see everything unfold below me: the indoor, the two barns, all of the horses, the outdoor and a bright pink-orange sunset.

The green grass started to thin out and soon enough gravel was crunching again under my feet. The terrain started to even out and there was a light ahead. I was cold. I started to shiver. It went throughout my body and all the way to my toes…just a couple more yards. When I reached the entrance to the barn, Henry and his hay-truck greeted me; bail after bail was being brought up to the attic by a conveyer belt. I waved at him and he gave me a slight nod.

Since I hadn’t been to the barn for a while, I had to search for Maddie’s stall. It used to be the third to the left…now it was the fifth on the right. When I saw her, I could hardly contain myself. The breath caught in my throat and I forgot how to breathe for a second. “No Turn Out” was taped to the stall door. She heard me coming. Her head was already at the entrance of her stall when I slid the latch back to open the heavy wooden door.

She bent her head down low and nudged my right arm. I reached my hand up to pet her.

“Hi baby. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” I whispered in her ear. She rubbed her head against my stomach. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry that I’ve been gone for so long.” She nickered at me. I laughed. “Yes, yes, I have treats for you. Calm down.” I stepped out of the stall to grab the carrots that I left on the tack trunk. “Look what I got you.” I snapped a carrot in half and put my hand under her mouth. She looked at me for a second before deciding to accept my little gift. We stayed like that for a while, just standing together without interruption. I fed her a couple more carrots. When I ran out, I sat inside her stall and let her move around me. Every so often, she’d come nudge me to make sure that I was really still there. 

“It’s alright. I’m still here,” I’d tell her and then she’d look at me to make sure I wasn’t lying before she’d go back to doing as she pleased. But as quickly as I had gotten there, It was time for me to go. With tears pressing from behind my eyes, I started to get up. She watched me intently. She was so smart. I turned to her and as soon as she saw my face, she moved as close to me as possible. Through my sniffles, I managed a laugh. I reached up to pat her broad neck.

“I love you, too. Be good to whoever takes you, do you understand me?” Maddie bobbed her head up and down. “Be a good girl. I know you will be, though. You always are. You know that if it were anyway possible, you’d be mine again. Don’t worry, though. I’ll make sure that you go to a good home. I’ll make sure of it.” She nudged my arm again. I wrapped my arms around her neck and cried for a little while before Ashley came to get me.

“Hey,” Ash spoke softly; she knew I couldn’t handle much right now. “I think we should probably go.” I wiped my eyes and nodded at her.

“We probably should,” I agreed with her. I kissed Maddie on the cheek and met Ash in the aisle of the barn.

“How was it?” she asked.

“Peaceful…” I said. “But it was with saddest damn reunion I’ve ever had…reuniting just to say goodbye…how ironic.” Ash gave me a sad smile and nodded. She placed her right arm around my shoulders while I rested my head against hers. I wiped my eyes one last time, just missing the last tear and letting it escape. We walked out of the barn together like that: her arm around me and my head resting on her. As we reached the entrance of the barn, though, I turned around to get one last look at Maddie. She was sticking her head out of her stall, watching me an Ashley. I gave her a small wave and watched her whinny back at me.

“I’ll miss you, too,” I said under my breath. And with that, I had to force myself to walk away from my best friend, my companion, and my partner in crime. When we got to the car, Ashley could hardly console me. She gave up after a while but I didn’t mind. This was one of those things that needed time to heal. It would take a long time too, that was for sure, but eventually I’d be okay and I knew Maddie would be, too.