Lately I've realized that a lot of girls accept less than what they deserve...Don't. Don't you dare, for one single second, settle for anything less. Know your worth and don't let anyone take it from you. Keep your head and your standards high. Do not, under any circumstance, put up with bad behavior from anyone. You deserve to be treated like the princess you are. And don't forget to speak your mind no matter what you fear will be the cost because that, my dears, is how you will figure out who is really on your side.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBpfpvicESU
Marisa Lynne. 21. I believe shopping and eating whatever you want are the keys to happiness. My inspiration comes from all things all around me. I like to take those things and elaborate, embellish, and recreate them. Inspiration comes in all shapes and sizes...keep your eyes and your mind open. Feel free to contact me: mtomsky1@gmail.com. New posts may take a little while due to life being busy.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
11.21.12: Reuniting Goodbyes
As my tires made the transition
from concrete to gravel, I felt my body relax. I let out the breath that I
didn’t even realize I was holding in. To my right was the first horse pasture.
That was JJ’s old pasture. I smiled to myself thinking back to that big, black,
old sweetheart of a horse. To my left were the woods. As my car crept further
up the drive, the gravel road opened up to reveal more horse pastures to left, the
outdoor ring up a little hill to my right, and both the indoor ring and the two
lower barns straight ahead of me. Welly nodded his head at my car and whinnied.
I laughed at him and waved at the playful dapple-grey. He drove his hoof into
the soft earth underneath him and bounced his big head up and down a couple
times. It was as if he were saying, “yes, let’s go. Can we go?” He wanted to
race. I shook my head at him. Not today,
Welly. I drove up the hill and put my car in park. I looked around. Well, it
didn’t look like this three years ago.
I sat in my car a little while
longer trying to soak in everything around me that was different. Things really
have changed. It was all so
different…while being exactly the same. I pulled my North face on and got out
of my car. It was colder than I had thought. I looked funny. I wasn’t dressed
in my jodhpurs, polo, and half chaps. Instead, I was sporting a light purple
cardigan, jeans, and suede black boots. I was getting looks. I could only
imagine what was going through all of their heads. What’s she doing here? What is she wearing? There’s no way she’s here
to ride. Give me a break, people. I just got back from college. I shut my
car door and straightened my posture before walking toward the indoor.
“Tighten your leg and bend him
toward the inside. Good. There you go. Good Job!” That wasn’t a voice that I
recognized. I walked up to the opening of the indoor and made my way toward the
stage. Now I know what you’re all thinking:
you have a big, huge, gigantic platform with a bazillion seats in your indoor?
False. It wasn’t actually a “stage.” It was just an area in the indoor where
our trainer could sit and critique us. It fit maybe about 15 people. Standing
in the middle of the ring was a petite, brunette haired girl. I didn’t
recognize her. My best friend, Ashley, was riding Oscar, a cute little brown
and white pinto pony, along the outside of the ring. The petite, brunette
haired girl turned to me.
“Hi, could I help you?” I nodded at
her and walked over to shake her hand.
“Hi, I’m just visiting. I rode here
before I had to leave for college. I just came by to critique my best friend,”
I pointed at Ashley then and she made a face at me as she rode by, “and say hi to Penny. Would you, by any
chance, know where she is?” The girl nodded at me.
“I believe that she’s in one of the
lower barns. I’m sure you’ll be able to find her no problem. I’m Sam, by the
way. I’m the new assistant trainer.”
“Thank You, Sam. And it was very
nice to meet you!” I started to turn before I heard Ashley’s voice.
“What about me? Is it nice to meet
me, too?” I laughed and stuck my tongue out at her.
“Get back to riding Oscar. I’ll be
right back.” Ashley waved and then went back to her riding. Not even a minute
later, I found Penny. Well actually, I found her voice and then I found her. The best thing about Penny was that you always
knew where she was…but I guess when you’re riding, that was actually the worst
thing about her. She always liked to yell at me while I rode. “Don’t say you’re
sorry. Fix it. Pick up the right lead. Don’t bend over the jump. Don’t let him
get ahead of you. DON’T SAY YOU’RE SORRY.” She always said that I said sorry
too much. I never minded the corrections, though. Now that I think back on all
those times where I was being yelled at, it kind of makes me laugh.
I
followed the sound of her voice and found Penny exactly where Sam said she’d
be: exiting the newer, lower barn. She took one look at me and said: “Well, it’s
about time you showed up.” I smiled and ran over to give her a hug.
After about an hour and roughly 15 different
topic changes later, we were pretty much all caught up. We covered all the
standard conversations:
“How were your grades? I remember
one time your father yanked you from lessons because you had gotten a bad grade
on a test.” I laughed and nodded at her.
“Of course I remember. I cried for
like two days! But I did well. I made the all-academic team for athletes. Daddy
really taught me a lesson by taking riding lessons away, don’t you think?” I flashed a
confident smile in her direction. She looked at me with a knowing look.
“I figured you would do well. And
are you still playing lacrosse?” I nodded at her.
“Yup, of course! Did you really
think my dad would let me not play? Let’s be honest here.” She laughed. “I had
to miss practice to come home, actually. It was the only time I could get
picked up considering that the dorms closed at 6.”
“Yeah, I bet the traffic has been
crazy.”
And we also had the not-so-standard conversations:
“Have you gone to see Maddie yet?
We still haven’t found a home for her, ya know.” I shook my head. Maddie was my
old bay mare. She was the sweetest thing you’d ever find. She was 20 now, just
a year older than I was. They were retiring her. My girl was getting too old.
“No, I haven’t. I was planning to
walk to the upper barn now, actually.” Penny gave me a smile and patted my arm.
“Go see her, dear.” I nodded and
left the indoor to make my way up the great green hill towards the upper barn
and the farmhouse. An American flag flew proudly and defiantly in the wind as
the sun started to set. I looked over my shoulder to see everything unfold
below me: the indoor, the two barns, all of the horses, the outdoor and a
bright pink-orange sunset.
The green grass started to thin out
and soon enough gravel was crunching again under my feet. The terrain started to even
out and there was a light ahead. I was cold. I started to shiver. It went
throughout my body and all the way to my toes…just a couple more yards. When I
reached the entrance to the barn, Henry and his hay-truck greeted me; bail
after bail was being brought up to the attic by a conveyer belt. I waved at him
and he gave me a slight nod.
Since I hadn’t been to the barn for
a while, I had to search for Maddie’s stall. It used to be the third to the
left…now it was the fifth on the right. When I saw her, I could hardly contain
myself. The breath caught in my throat and I forgot how to breathe for a
second. “No Turn Out” was taped to the stall door. She heard me coming. Her
head was already at the entrance of her stall when I slid the latch back to
open the heavy wooden door.
She bent her head down low and
nudged my right arm. I reached my hand up to pet her.
“Hi baby. It’s been a while, hasn’t
it?” I whispered in her ear. She rubbed her head against my stomach. “Yeah, I
know. I’m sorry that I’ve been gone for so long.” She nickered at me. I
laughed. “Yes, yes, I have treats for you. Calm down.” I stepped out of the
stall to grab the carrots that I left on the tack trunk. “Look what I got you.”
I snapped a carrot in half and put my hand under her mouth. She looked at me
for a second before deciding to accept my little gift. We stayed like that for
a while, just standing together without interruption. I fed her a couple more
carrots. When I ran out, I sat inside her stall and let her move around me.
Every so often, she’d come nudge me to make sure that I was really still there.
“It’s alright. I’m still here,” I’d
tell her and then she’d look at me to make sure I wasn’t lying before she’d go
back to doing as she pleased. But as quickly as I had gotten there, It was time for me to
go. With tears pressing from behind my eyes, I started to get up. She watched
me intently. She was so smart. I turned to her and as soon as she saw my face,
she moved as close to me as possible. Through my sniffles, I managed a laugh. I
reached up to pat her broad neck.
“I love you, too. Be good to
whoever takes you, do you understand me?” Maddie bobbed her head up and down. “Be
a good girl. I know you will be, though. You always are. You know that if it
were anyway possible, you’d be mine again. Don’t worry, though. I’ll make sure
that you go to a good home. I’ll make sure of it.” She nudged my arm again. I
wrapped my arms around her neck and cried for a little while before Ashley came
to get me.
“Hey,” Ash spoke softly; she knew I
couldn’t handle much right now. “I think we should probably go.” I wiped my
eyes and nodded at her.
“We probably should,” I agreed with
her. I kissed Maddie on the cheek and met Ash in the aisle of the barn.
“How was it?” she asked.
“Peaceful…” I said. “But it was
with saddest damn reunion I’ve ever had…reuniting just to say goodbye…how
ironic.” Ash gave me a sad smile and nodded. She placed her right arm around my
shoulders while I rested my head against hers. I wiped my eyes one last time,
just missing the last tear and letting it escape. We walked out of the barn
together like that: her arm around me and my head resting on her. As we reached
the entrance of the barn, though, I turned around to get one last look at
Maddie. She was sticking her head out of her stall, watching me an Ashley. I
gave her a small wave and watched her whinny back at me.
“I’ll miss you, too,” I said under
my breath. And with that, I had to force myself to walk away from my best
friend, my companion, and my partner in crime. When we got to the car, Ashley
could hardly console me. She gave up after a while but I didn’t mind. This was
one of those things that needed time to heal. It would take a long time too, that
was for sure, but eventually I’d be okay and I knew Maddie would be, too.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
11.18.12: T.O.D.
1. Last night I went to the city with my boyfriend. I got all dressed up with my pea coat and fancy boots. Buying a train ticket has become second nature for me. I can do it without thinking about it now. People kept stopping me on the streets of Times Square and were asking me for directions. I guess, to them, I looked like I belonged in the city...And as my boots were clicking along between Lexington and East 42nd, I realized something: I felt like I belonged in the city, too. I guess somewhere along the way, and I couldn't tell you when, I had actually grown up...Which then led me to my second realization: As unsure as I was about my future, last night showed me that I was ready to take it on.
2. This is about something that I had to deal with in my past: I think that I got lost along the way there for a little bit. I think I got a little beat up and bruised and instead of conquering it, I let it conquer me. I think that I'm never going to let that happen again.
We all have targets on our backs for one thing or another. Accept that target and the fire that gets shot at you. It means you're the best and people want your target. Don't let them take it. Be relentless and keep fighting; always keep fighting.
I stopped fighting and I let it get the best of me. They said "oh, you're too young to have to be dealing with this," and "people are manipulative but it'll go away." Well, guess what? It didn't go away but I still dealt with it.
You don't want to stop fighting because then you'll have to dig yourself out of a hole that you didn't even create for yourself. and guess what else, sweetheart? All those people shooting at you had your grave dug for you long before you even knew you were even in a hole.
It took me a while to realize what was happening and how to find myself again...You need something that'll take you away from it all. I used love; The love from the people who did support me and the love I felt towards the situation despite the people who wanted to tear me down.
There was one person who really got me back to where I was before all the targets and all of the shooting and they don't even know it. One day, though, I'll tell them and then maybe they'll tell me something I never knew either.
3. This is the most accurate thing I've ever seen:
3. This is the most accurate thing I've ever seen:
4. I seriously hate blogging without my laptop.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
11.15.12: T.O.D.
I meant to post this yesterday but the post never went
through…weird. So here it is now!
and it’s your lucky day, I was thinking a lot yesterday (couldn’t
tell you why), so there’s actually two T.O.D. for today:
- A fresh manicure, a shopping spree, a good sleep, a solid gym sesh, a pint of ice cream, and a bottle of wine can fix anything.
- People will be rude to you no matter how nice you are and regardless of if you deserve it or not.
Monday, November 12, 2012
11.12.12: Lieben
*not based on real life.
I was at my wit’s end. I heaved a sigh and looked towards the sky praying to God. I didn’t belong here and I knew it. I looked around the room…. and based on the stares that I got back, they all knew that I didn’t belong here either. Let’s be honest, I stuck out more than an all-white cow at a buffalo farm. I was completely worn out and I’ve been here for about four hours. In case you’re wondering, I’m from New York…not Tennessee…which, due to an unfortunate and cruel twist of fate, was where I was now banished. Daddy wasn’t too pleased when he found out that shoplifting and boarding school don’t mix. In my defense, it was a dare and I totally won…. but I guess that’s besides the point since I’m now like 3,000 miles away from civilization…well that’s what it felt like at least. Now I was stuck on my grandmother’s stinky horse farm with snooty old people who thought that they were all better than I was because their wrinkles were showing. Congratulations, you have terrible skin. Would you like some moisturizer for that?
I was at my wit’s end. I heaved a sigh and looked towards the sky praying to God. I didn’t belong here and I knew it. I looked around the room…. and based on the stares that I got back, they all knew that I didn’t belong here either. Let’s be honest, I stuck out more than an all-white cow at a buffalo farm. I was completely worn out and I’ve been here for about four hours. In case you’re wondering, I’m from New York…not Tennessee…which, due to an unfortunate and cruel twist of fate, was where I was now banished. Daddy wasn’t too pleased when he found out that shoplifting and boarding school don’t mix. In my defense, it was a dare and I totally won…. but I guess that’s besides the point since I’m now like 3,000 miles away from civilization…well that’s what it felt like at least. Now I was stuck on my grandmother’s stinky horse farm with snooty old people who thought that they were all better than I was because their wrinkles were showing. Congratulations, you have terrible skin. Would you like some moisturizer for that?
“Abigail
Howard? Abigail?” hearing my name snapped me back into my real life nightmare.
I raised my hand.
“Present.” Now even my teacher was
starting at me. Great…as if I really needed more attention. I sat up straighter
(even though I was already sitting with perfect posture).
“Well, you’re a new face. Would you
like to introduce yourself?”
“Uhm…didn’t you actually just do
that for me by calling my name for attendance?” Oh, this lady was going to hate
me.
“Well, alright then. Why don’t you
tell us where you’re from.” She motioned for me to come to the front of the
class. I sighed and pushed back from the desk. I walked up slowly and for the
first time in my life, I felt uncertain of myself. I turned around and gave an
awkward wave to the wide-eyed class that so totally wasn’t dressed in boarding
school uniforms…and then my confidence was back. I flashed a smile and held my
head high.
“Hi. I’m Abigail Howard and based
on the stares that you’ve all been giving me, you already know that I’m not
from here. I’m from New York. My grandmother owns Rockaway Stables…” and that’s
when everyone started to freak out.
“You’re rockaway royalty?!”
“No way! So which of those 50
horses is yours?”
“Are you going to be riding in the
Grand Prix?”
Woah, woah. What were they talking about?
“Uhm…”
was all that I could get out. I hated horses and I hardly ever saw my
grandmother.
“Alright,
class. Class! Settle down! You can all talk to Abigail after class.” So for the
next 40 minutes and for the rest of the day, I got to wonder what secret was in
my family and why I hadn’t known earlier that I was “rockaway royalty”…whatever
that even meant.
My
Mercedes’ tires crunched over my grandmother’s mile-freaking-long driveway.
Good thing the drive was pretty. Each side of the driveway was lined with
white-fenced horse pastures and big oak trees. The driveway led to a big brick
mansion that I was now supposed to call my home. I mean I could deal, though.
To the left of the house were the barn help’s house and the actual barn. The
barn was huge with 25 horse stalls on each side. I shut my car off and slowly
got out. McQue, my grandmother’s border collie, greeted me. I liked McQue. He
followed me to the house close to my heels. I reached down and patted his head.
“Nana,
I’m home! I neglected to mention that I was miserable and my only true friend
was her nine-year old border collie. There was no answer. I decided to walk out
to the barn to try and find my grandmother. I don’t know why I decided to go
there. It was honestly the last place that I wanted to go. But it was nice out
and I was in a good mood despite my current situation. As I was passing the
entrance to the barn, though, someone grabbed my hand. I almost screamed but
then I heard Nana’s voice.
“Come
look at this!” she dragged me down the barn isle until we got to one stall
surrounded by about ten people. “This is Germany’s Exception…but you can call
her Bella.” Nina pointed to a big sweaty horses laying down in the stall. I wish I knew what Nana was talking about. “Anyway, she’s about to
give birth and her baby is all yours.” What? I didn’t want a baby horse. “His
show name is ‘In Good Company’ but you can come up with his barn name. Look,”
and she pointed, “there he is.” And there he was indeed, right in front of me
trying to stand up. It was both the most hysterical thing and probably one of
the cutest things I had ever seen. My heart melted…and then he looked right at
me. He made a sound and then attempted to walk. He got one step and then
another and then another. I was in shock. How’d he do that so fast? And then he
kept walking until he was right in front of me. I looked down at him and he
looked up at me and then he nudged my hand with his head. I gasped. He was mine.
“Lieben,”
I whispered. “I want to name him Lieben.” I heard my grandmother chuckle behind
me. I turned to smile at her. “It means love in German.”
“I
know what it means, dear.” And then she smiled back at me, too.
11.12.12: T.O.D.
The best revenge is being indifferent to the situation, showing happiness despite the situation--i mean really feeling that happiness course through your bones and embracing it, and always looking fabulous throughout the situation.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
11.7.12: T.O.D.
*So I've decided to try this new idea called thought of the day (T.O.D.). Basically whenever I feel inspired, I'll put a post similar to the one below about love, learning, life, etc., and post it.
We pride ourselves on the work--whether it be architecture, artwork, mathematical reasoning, or whatever it may be--that we do and the work that we accomplish. We put our hearts and our souls into that work...but eventually everything that we do in life will be damaged, destroyed, ruined, lost, or forgotten...So why do we kill ourselves over things that we know won't last? I think its because we like the risk and because even though every great man knows that he wont--and his creations won't--- live on, they hope that their legacies will. And besides, what would life be without a little magnificence anyway?
We pride ourselves on the work--whether it be architecture, artwork, mathematical reasoning, or whatever it may be--that we do and the work that we accomplish. We put our hearts and our souls into that work...but eventually everything that we do in life will be damaged, destroyed, ruined, lost, or forgotten...So why do we kill ourselves over things that we know won't last? I think its because we like the risk and because even though every great man knows that he wont--and his creations won't--- live on, they hope that their legacies will. And besides, what would life be without a little magnificence anyway?
Monday, November 5, 2012
11.5.12: Sunshine Days
*not based on real life
You’ll end up breaking my heart…
But I’ll still love you anyway.
S.
I stuck the sticky-note to his bedpost
and ran my finger over the sticky part to make sure that it was actually going
to stay. I did it three more times for good measure. After I was content with
my note, I slowly began to untangle myself from his body being as careful as
possible to not wake him. As my feet touched the ground though, he stirred a
little. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him grasp at the air where I was
just laying. I froze in my tracks. I let out a breath and prayed that he please
stay in his dreamland. I wanted a clean getaway…this was technically my goodbye
after all. I slowly turned to catch one last glimpse of him before I left for
good. He looked so peaceful. I tiptoed over to his bedside and kissed his
forehead. Boy, would I miss this boy…but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I
gathered my things and made my way toward the door. The tears were pressing
from behind my eyes before my hand was even on the doorknob. As soon as I had
closed his door as quietly as I possibly could, I let the tears free. I ran
toward the elevator and tried to wipe them away from my eyes. I needed to get
to work. My boss couldn’t see me like this. This was New York. New York didn’t
have time for the weak and I was the best. The best didn’t have time to be weak
or to show anyone that she was vulnerable. I had about 30 seconds to get myself
together before this elevator hit the lobby. I took one more deep breath, wiped
my eyes one last time, and allowed one more sniffle free before adjusting a big
ole’ smile on my face. The elevator doors opened and I stuck a red stiletto out
to show all of New York that I was back and ready to go. I walked out of the
elevator with my head high and flashed a smile at the receptionist at the desk.
I nodded at her.
“Good morning, Brenda!” I tried to
sound as perky as possible.
“Morning, Miss Hamilton. You’ll be
delighted to know that today will be all sunshine.” I nodded once more at her.
“Thank you, Brenda. I hope that you
have an excellent day!” And with that, I pushed through the revolving doors out
into the brisk fall day that was “all sunshine" and all mine.
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