He told me that he didn’t believe
in marriage and I laughed at him because I thought that he was kidding.
“You
must be kidding…don’t you believe in love?” I was questioning him. I didn’t
understand. How could he not believe in marriage? It was a right of passage. It
just happened. Didn’t everyone want to get married?
“I
just think that I’ll never find someone to love me and I’ll just eventually end
up alone…so I try not to get my hopes up too high.” My heart hurt for him. I
wanted to hold him in my arms and hug him until he believed the world wouldn’t
hurt him anymore. I wanted to make everything okay and scare all of his
nightmares away…but instead, I kept questioning him. I just didn’t understand.
“There
must be someone. You’ll find someone. I promise.” It wasn’t my promise to give
but I wanted for it so much to be true, if only for his sake. I believe
everyone is capable of finding their other half.
“No,
I won’t. I’m okay with it. I’ve dealt with it before.” What did he mean? I
wanted to know. I wanted to help.
He
told me about his parents and their divorce and about how much they disliked
each other by the end of it all. And he told me about how his dad got remarried
and then divorced again and then engaged and then they broke up. All he wanted
was a full family.
He
told me about the girl that broke his heart and how she did it and my heart
hurt even more. I felt his pain. I told him that we’d all been there before…but
where I’d recovered, he had not. I tried to tell him that it had happened to
me, too, but he said that it was easier for me because I was smart and pretty.
I blushed because I didn’t think it was true and because this wasn’t supposed
to be about me. He was always making things about me.
I
don’t like attention…but he was always putting me in his spotlight. It was always
about me…I felt horrible…I always somehow ended up pushing my problems onto
him. He never seemed to mind…He always seemed to make my burden his own, despite
my protests. He was always apologizing for the situations that he never created
and which were always out of his control.
I
knew that he loved me. I knew it from the very first day that he opened up to
me but I never said a word. He knew that I was wholeheartedly in love with
someone else. I don’t know if he ever realized that I knew…but I always knew.
I wanted to hold him in my arms and
hug him until he believed that the world wouldn’t hurt him but by doing so, I would
be the very one hurting him. So, I kept my distance and I listened to his
stories and I gave him my advice. He would always tell me that I was a good
friend, such a good friend, and I’d smile at him, thankful that I could at
least give him that.
